Build Your Bunkers Now: This Is Going To Be The Biggest Country Hit Of The Summer

There’s a disturbing buzz building in Nashville right now. It’s reminiscent of the sound of the T-Rex approaching in “Jurassic Park.” At first, it’s just a faint vibration, then a loud, sickening THUMP, then a deafening roar, and suddenly you’re stuck between its jaws, being eaten alive, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The advancing predator I’m referring to in this case, though, isn’t a dinosaur; it’s a country song called, “Donkey.” 

This infectious party jam (like the smallpox kind of infectious) was brought to you by the latest country rap phenomenon Jerrod Niemann, who used to make not-terrible music before selling his soul to an auto-tune machine and putting out songs like, “Drink To That All Night.” His new offering, “Donkey,” is the demon spawn of bro country and “hick hop,” gestated in the festering womb of some douchey producer who undoubtedly owns stock in Ed Hardy and says things like, “Yo, you know what would be dope? If we added a HEE HAW to the chorus.”

Country radio is already going hogwild over this song, and it’s projected to be one of the biggest hits of the summer. Just wanted to give you fair warning, so you could get a head start on building your survival bunkers (be sure to leave your radio above ground).

Country, come on, I think you’re better than this. Please, please be better than this.