As much as we’d all like to believe we’re smooth operators in the bedroom, sometimes shit happens that can prevent us from being our suavest selves during sex. (Seriously though, literal shit can happen if your partner pulls the unexpected finger-in-the-ass move.) Maybe you got a pube caught in your throat or he’s got a bad case of Gumby dick. You’re not alone. Despite our greatest efforts to pull off all of our romp sessions without a hitch, don’t feel bad: these accidental sex oopsies have undoubtedly happened to all of us.
1. A hair gets caught in your throat while you’re performing oral sex and you have to stop and pull it out.
2. He tries to find your vaginal opening, but just keeps fumbling around the labia unable to Magellan his way in.
3. He/she finds a small piece of toilet paper stuck to your crotch/butt.
4. The loud queef that becomes the elephant in the room.
5. You get a crippling cramp mid-sex and have to stop what you’re doing immediately.
6. You’re so wet that he keeps sliding out of you, forcing you to awkwardly direct him back in, or…
7. You’re so wet that he slips into the wrong hole … well, sort of.
8. The sweaty skin-on-skin contact makes awkward farting noises with every thrust.
9. Surprise! He/she slips a finger in your ass, and it comes out with color. Or worse…
10. You accidentally poop.
11. He comes and his sperm somehow hits an unexpectedly impressive three-point shot — right into your eyeball. OUCH.
12. The accidental knee-into-balls situation.
13. He’s not completely hard, so every time he tries to stick it in it just bends instead of going in.
14. One of you said the wrong name in the heat of the moment.
15. You accidentally deep throat him without preparing yourself and barf on his dick. Or at the very least…
16. You keep gagging while you’re giving him head until your eyes water so much you’re full-on crying.
17. Skidmarks. They happen.
18. You’re interrupted by someone yelling something at you through your door mid-screw.
19. A Spotify commercial came on and totally killed the mood. Maybe time to upgrade to premium? Eh.
20. Way too much lube has caused an unintentional lube puddle on your sheets.
21. The awkward post-sex cum leakage and scramble to find tissues (or one of these more refined cum rags).
22. Your underwear has period or discharge stains (or you’re wearing one of these embarrassing items).
23. Mid-fingering it becomes abundantly clear he hasn’t clipped his nails in a while. Owwww.
24. Someone pulls a muscle or gets a charley horse trying to act like a porn star.
25. You’re going at it so hard that something near you falls, maybe breaks and possibly lands on you.