When I saw the headline “Authorities Seize Man’s Electronic Equipment For Blasting Celine Dion,” my first thought was, Well, good! Anyone who insults Celine Dion’s flawless voice or enduring love ballads SHOULD have their stereos confiscated and/or burned in front of them! If they don’t like Celine, they shouldn’t be able to enjoy the privilege of listening to ANY music!
Because the only time I am in favor of a police state is when it involves defending the honor of Celine Dion.
But alas, my interpretation of the word “blasting” was tragically wrong. This man didn’t have his stereo taken away for insulting Celine Dion, he had his stereo taken away for playing Celine Dion songs loudly, over and over and over…
Here’s how it went down:
Gareth Davies, a 47-year-old resident of Kent County in southeast England, ignored noise complaints from his neighbors, repeatedly breaking a noise abatement notice by blasting Celine Dion’s Titanic anthem “My Heart Will Go On” repeatedly. After the sixth violation, Medway Council officers seized all of Davies’ possessions that could be used to play Dion’s music, including his iPod, speakers, 3D TV and PlayStation. Davies also reportedly has a fondness for blasting the Toy Story theme song, “You’ve Got A Friend in Me.”
Now this is what I’d call a massive injustice. To quote Thomas Jefferson, “If a man can’t jam out to Celine Dion as loud as he wants, whenever he wants, is he truly free?” To show solidarity with Mr. Davies, I suggest that we all play “My Heart Will Go On” on repeat at full volume tonight. It’s the least we can do for our persecuted comrade.