Ask A Married Guy: “He Texts Me All The Time, But I Want More!”

I have been talking to a guy since February (I’ve known him for over a year). He texts me sweet messages and basically texts me all day long every single day. We have hung out a few times and we did get intimate, as in, we went all the way.

I have asked him what I mean to him but he completely dodged the question yet continues to text me every day. Another issue is that he’s busy almost every single weekend and we don’t see each other too often.

Am I rushing this as we have only been talking for about two months? Should I just keep it cool for a little bit? I don’t want to scare him off, but I don’t know how to proceed. I do like him and can potentially see myself with him. Help! – Nuthin’ But A Text Thing

You’ve been talking for “only” two months? What era do you live in, where two months is NOT a long time? Was your last boyfriend a 19th century squire, wooing you only by pony express mail?

You two have been hanging out way long enough to know the truth: he’s not that interested. I’m sorry. That hurts. But it’s  the truth.

Let’s break down the text thing. Texting a woman requires an investment of about five seconds. Considering it’s an investment that COULD result in hot sex, it’s a pretty valuable use of a dude’s time. Therefore, he texts you everyday. And it worked! You went “all the way.” (I’m presuming it was at sock-hop in 1952? The way you talk/write, I have no idea what year you live in.) And guess what? In a mere 30 seconds, a man can text a whole bunch of ladies, multiplying his chances for hot sex by a factor of six. If you don’t think he’s doing that, you’re crazy.

Texting means NOTHING. Zero. It requires no commitment whatsoever. Hanging out? Making plans? These require effort. They require thought. But more importantly, they require blocking off time to spend with just ONE person. And surprise, surprise, he can rarely make the time to do that. When it really comes down to it, those “sweet” messages are just a means to lead you on. You’re a text-based hookup for him. I know that’s horrible to hear, but it is what his behavior states very clearly. If he wanted to take you off the market, he’d be wining and dining you, taking you out whenever he could. He is not.

My gut tells me there is not a lot of future in this relationship. But you did say you “could see yourself” with this guy. My advice? Call him out. Be a little mean. Say you don’t reply to texts from guys who don’t take you out on dates, and ignore the pleading and the whining. Make sure he knows that the only emotional currency you accept is the one you actually want: time spent together, to the exclusion of other people.

There’s another thing you wrote that concerned me. You “don’t want to scare him off.” There’s not a lot of positive self-esteem in that sentence. You are clearly not getting what you want in this relationship. Why would “scaring him off” be a concern? There are thousands of great men in the world who would be thrilled to date you. You need to reset your sense of emotional self-worth, and see his behavior for what it is: kinda shitty. Not hugely shitty. Just kinda. And you’re worth more than that.

This is our friend Tom. He’s a married guy with tons of relationship experience, and a skilled advice giver who’s here to answer all your pressing sex, dating and relationship questions. Have a query for Tom? Email him at [email protected]! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested.