Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I were out with some friends when the topic of preferred pizza toppings came up (as it does in every great conversation). One of the guys at the table admitted he had a penchant for anchovy pizzas, but his motives were less than pure: “I order anchovies on my pizza so my wife won’t eat it and I can have it all to myself,” he said. “That’s exactly why I order IPAs!” said another guy, holding up his beer, “otherwise my girlfriend will drink it!” My initial reactions to these confessions was, basically, “Oh shit, they’re onto us!” You see, stealing food from my boyfriend is one of my favorite pastimes, especially in restaurants, where I turn into a toddler as soon as his order arrives and start whining, “I want thaaaat!” I view most of our meals together as a challenge to see how much of his food I can steal without him noticing, through sleight of hand and/or emotional manipulation. Most of my friends do this too. But alas, it seems you guys are finally developing some effective defenses. In the spirit of full disclosure, here are nine other covert tactics women have been using to steal your food:
1. Encouraging you to order the fries so we can snag them off your plate. Do I want a full order of fries for myself? No. Do I want half of yours? Definitely.
2. Saying “Do you want a bite of mine?” so a reciprocal bite will be implied. I mean, that’s just good manners.
3. Using reverse psychology about ordering dessert:
Us: Nah, I don’t want dessert.
You: We’re getting dessert.
4. Pouting about how your order is so much better than ours until you offer to switch. Thanks, honey!
5. Convincing you to order the other thing on the menu that we actually want. Then, when it comes, suggesting we split it.
6. At the bar, making sure your seat faces the TV screen. It’s amazing how easy it is to plunder your nachos when you’re engrossed in the game.
7. Moaning so orgasmically about how amazing your sandwich is that you insist we have some more. We are not above faking a food orgasm to score another bite.
8. Putting our heads on your shoulder, positioning our mouths next to yours, and hoping you get them mixed up. Someday this is going to work.
9. Saying we’re not hungry and then, when you offer a bite, mowing that entire slice of pizza. In this case, sometimes we truly didn’t realize how hungry we were, and sometimes we were planning it all along. But either way, hold the anchovies, yeah?
[Photo via Shutterstock]