This morning, just like every other morning, I got into work and meandered over to the company Keurig in desperate need of coffee to find that, yet again, the last person to use the coffee machine didn’t refill the water. How hard is it to put the container under the sink for five seconds? For months we’ve been plagued with this problem thanks to lazy caffeine drinkers, and I have been seriously contemplating the installation of nanny cams to find the culprit(s). Maybe then we’d determine who’s guilty of some of these other workplace crimes.
1. The Lunch Thief: Someone ate your lunch, or at least the best part of it. It may just be a missing bag of chips, but at one point was the equivalent of having your Dunkaroos hijacked and that is NOT okay.
2. The Poop Bandit: Someone is blowing up the company bathroom in a big, bad way. Every day like clockwork, she (maybe a he, but that would be really shady) enters and exits the loo, leaving it pretty much off limits for everyone else for a minimum of two hours. FLUSH, GIRL, FLUSHHHH.
3. The Supply Hoarder: Whether they’re stealing toilet paper or Post-Its, there’s always that one person in the office who takes all of the supplies and brings them home for personal use. So many staplers, and no staples in sight.
4. The Print Hog: Speaking of people taking things for their personal use, there’s an epidemic of employees using the copier and printer to run off what seems like thousands of garage sale flyers, bridal shower games (I’m guilty of this one) and pictures of the Kardashians to plaster all over the cubicle of someone you’re pranking.
5. The Paper Jammer: You’ve hit print 47 times, but nothing is printing. You realize some asshole was printing the aforementioned flyers and jammed the entire machine. You’re stuck trying to figure out if the jam is in compartment B, F, or Q, and once you figure it out, your 47 copies come out. Who did this?!
6. The Stinky Food Perp: They wanted anchovies and hard boiled eggs for lunch. Buy a face mask if you don’t like it.
7. The Music Blaster: They’ve got 99 problems and headphones ain’t one. Every office has at least one person who feels the need to play their obnoxious music loud enough for everyone within a five-mile radius to hear. The lucky ones get to hear Sara Bareilles’ “Brave” on repeat. All. Day. Long.
8. The TMI Talker: Just because they’re at work doesn’t mean they can’t take personal phone calls and discuss the juicy details of their one night stand, impending colonoscopy and STD scare for all the world to hear. [Shit. This is directed at me, isn't it? -- Amelia]
9. The Kitchen Destroyer: Someone is leaving globs of mayo all over the kitchen counter, spilling salad dressing in the fridge and neglecting to refill the water in the coffee machine. No one will clean it up, and will result in the company hiring a cleaning service to come in with hazmat suits and gas masks to get rid of your nasty food crusties.
10. The Rage Case: No matter what you say or do, this person is not happy. In fact, they hate everything. They yell at the computer, throw shit into their cubicle wall, slam doors and curse a lot. Tread lightly.