I’m sure you’ve sensed a bit of an ominous cloud settling over your part of the closet. Perhaps you’ve seen the scraps of denim littering the floor of my bedroom. Or maybe you’ve noticed that your comrades are starting to return to the jean pile as mere shadows of their former selves — half the garments they once were?
Well, I’m sorry to say your intuition is right. Your days are most definitely numbered. You won’t be long for long. Because it’s finally warm outside, which means my cutoffs obsession has begun. None of my full-length jeans are safe. You’ve got another week, maybe two, tops. And then? Snip, snip.
It’s the same old story every year. During the fall and winter months, I go through the long, agonizing process of shopping for jeans. I try on hundreds, if not thousands of pairs. This usually involves at least one bout of crying in the dressing room. Against all odds, I find a few pairs that I really like. I feel triumphant. I wear you proudly. I coddle you. I even air dry you, for God’s sake!
And then the first warm days of spring trigger a merciless rampage. Suddenly all my hard-won, lovely, full-length jeans are nothing but an obstacle in my quest for a spring and summer wardrobe full of new cutoff shorts. I don’t consider the consequences. I don’t think about how, come this fall, I will regret turning ALL my jeans into shorts the way I do every year. I just grab a pair of scissors and cut you off mid-thigh. I do a kind of terrible job. Then I cut off a little more to even you out. And then I realize I have turned a pair of perfectly good jeans into a ragged pair of DIY Daisy Dukes, and I regret it momentarily, but I wear you anyway.
I’m sorry it has to be this way, but it does. Just think of yourself as a beautiful butterfly, ready to shed her cocoon (AKA the bottom half of your legs), spread your wings, and fly into a glorious summer with me. Sound good?
See you soon,
[Photo via Shutterstock]