If there are a million ways to do something wrong, there should be at least a few ways to do a thing right. In this series, Janet and Emily tackle your questions from two different perspectives. The result, we hope, is two right answers.
Janet is a stone-cold rationalist, baker, and monotreme from Australia. Her boobs played the field briefly before marrying themselves off to a skier-dude. Emily is from the Midwest, and is a single, straight, agnostic, whiskey-drinking softball player who’d love to use her Pinterest wedding board before all the pics go out of style. Both Janet and Emily are writers and comedians in New York.
Hi, not to be uncool, but my problem has to do with the return of “Game of Thrones.” The show is super violent, so I’m not particularly into it, but my boyfriend insists on watching it live that night. The thing is I think he’s only watching it for all the sexy stuff that happens in the show. In the season premiere, there was a scene where he yelled at the TV “take it off!” and sure enough, a male character pulled off the robes of all the women in the room like a minute later. He clearly gets excited, he’ll bounce his knee during these scenes. This is a creepy turnoff to me. — No Head For Ned Tonight
Janet: Hi, No Head! Some people watch “Game Of Thonres” for the jousting, some for the feudal politics, and some, undoubtedly, for the merkins. Taken in context, some of the female nudity is a spectacle, but much of it ends in blood sacrifice, death, or penectomy for the male involved. Just ask Theon — “beheading” is a hefty price to pay for being a total boner, even for the kind of idjit that once pushed his sister’s magic button by accident (“sorry not sorry”).
Were male audiences being rickrolled when Jon Snow lost his V-card in Ygritte’s cave? Because if they came looking for porn, they certainly copped a load of female empowerment — Jon on his knees worshipping at the altar of the hooded lady — and swoony romance. (Someone please set this scene to Matt Nathanson’s “Laid” for me?) Watching the Onion Knight learn to read is a slow-burn form of arousal if you just want to see some boobs (“Pentos girls are easy!”).
Take a leaf out of Melisandre’s book and bend your boyfriend’s boner to your own will (note: do not actually bend a boner, ever). Now that HBO has gotten him warmed up, you’re just one wildling role-play away from giving and getting some magical sex.
Emily: Wait, can we back the wheelbarrow up to the part where Head’s boyfriend is bouncing his knee??? Is she dating that old man on the train in “Black Swan”? Who bounces knees? That’s the shit nightmares have nightmares about. I am so, so angry about this!!!
Janet, is female empowerment really female empowerment if it’s airbrushed? These “Thrones” bitches are fly as fuck, and it seems like they’re edited to look super hot during sex, you know, like porn. If Lena Dunham were to direct some episodes, a wavy-haired princess would remove her robe of wolf heads (I don’t watch the show) to expose ample, jiggly, cellulite-pocked lumps. And then all of her maiden friends would appear and slash each others’ gossamer gowns with swords only to reveal Laura is totally missing part of her leg! Weird! And Lindsay’s got a secret tattoo “to distract from my ass-cne.” And Sara’s a fox, but when the hot knight comes in to have sex with everyone, she just lies there like a bag of boring bones. All this is to ask, can TV show depict sex for what sex is — not sexy? Come on, Head: Let’s take down the industry! Off with your boyfriend’s knee!
Janet: Yes, there is a lot of disrobing in “GOT,” but it isn’t all pretty (see: merkins). Caroline’s bush got way more attention on “Girls” than did Hodor’s warg (in front of the holy weirwood no less!)—which is the more medieval punchline?
The knee bounce is a little ominous, but unless he unsheathes Ice for some swordplay while you’re sitting there, I think he’s dealing with the titillation appropriately. If this situation changes, you may need to erect a wall separating north and south.
If you’re still worried about gender politics, remember: we’ve got the eggs.
Emily: Sorry, I can’t get past this bouncing knee. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to deal with sex feels, and knees are off limits by way of disgustingness. Tell your boyfriend to draw a picture of a guy bouncing his knee instead. I think that’s what people do in therapy.
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