5 Theories About Tonight’s “Mad Men” Season 7 Premiere

Leslie Simon | April 13, 2014 - 12:00 pm

At long last, the final season of “Mad Men” is upon us. It’s been almost a year since we last saw the ad men (and women) at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce (and Cutler, Gleason and Chaough, but that’s quite a mouthful), and we hope tonight’s premiere provides answers to all of questions left unanswered in the last season’s finale.

Like, what will Don Draper do now that he’s on forced sabbatical from the agency? Will Sally ever get recover from walking in on her father schtupping Mrs. Rosen? Is Bob Benson really gay? Or a spy? Or both? How far back has Pete Campbell’s hairline receded? (Oh, wait. We know the answer to that one.)

So, ignore that last question. Concerning everything else: FANS NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS! AND BEFORE PETE’S WIDOW’S PEAK GETS ANY MORE TERRIFYING!

After watching the first season of “The Writer’s Room” on Netflix, I think I’m more than qualified to present the following hypothetical plot points and storylines for the Season 7 finale, airing this Sunday, April 13 at 10/9c on AMC. Some are probably more plausible than others, but I the show is known for its twists; so, really, anything’s possible, right?

Beware: Spoilers ahead. Try not to trip.

5 Theories About Tonight's Mad Men Season 7 Premiere

Theory #1: Lane Pryce comes back to life. Sterling Cooper’s token Brit didn’t really hang himself after all. Remember that scene in “Heathers” when Veronica Sawyer (Winona Ryder) fakes her own death so Jason Dean (Christian Slater) will think she off’d herself? It’s kind of like that. (Okay, it’s exactly like that.) Sure, it took some pretty serious shallow breathing to get away with it, but Lane was able to escape the morgue before being shipped back to London. With no obligations to the firm or his family, he starts his life over again — debt-free because Don Draper already paid the $50,000 Lane owed the agency — as a tailor in the Financial District. (He always wore such beautiful suits.) This ruse is only discovered when Joan goes to the same tailor to pick up a custom order for Roger Sterling. Twist!

5 Theories About Tonight's Mad Men Season 7 Premiere

Theory #2: Roger Sterling and Joan Hathaway get married. Finally! If you aren’t (not-so) secretly hoping Roger and Joan will stop messing around and make it official, then we spit in your general direction because this is one of our favorite on-again, off-again “Mad Men” couples. However, instead of suffering through another season of Sam-and-Diane tension, these two need to stop worrying about what everyone at the agency thinks, throw caution to the wind and become a real family. I mean, if you didn’t melt when Roger started feeding Kevin — who’s actually his real son, even though Joan passes off the father as her ex, Greg — at Thanksgiving, then you are made of stone. No need for a ton of explanation because this is a pair that belongs together. Point blank.

5 Theories About Tonight's Mad Men Season 7 Premiere

Theory #3: Betty Draper gets fat … again. As far as we’re concerned, there doesn’t need to be a logical reason why Betty packs on the pounds this time around. Maybe it’s the way she copes with daughter Sally being out of the house. Perhaps she embarks on a drug experimentation phase and starts smoking a lot of weed; therefore causing endless bouts of the munchies. (We know how much she loves potato chips, a pothead’s best friend.) Honestly, does it really matter? The world can never have too many Fat Betty memes. Plus, it’d give @FatBettyFrancis new fodder, which is a win/win for everyone involved.

5 Theories About Tonight's Mad Men Season 7 Premiere

Theory #4: Megan Draper leaves Don, moves to Hollywood anyways and becomes a movie star. At the end of Season 6, we saw the second Mrs. Draper furious at her husband for pulling the plug on the couple’s dreams of moving to California. After reading some of Gloria Steinem’s articles in “Esquire” and attending a few Women’s Liberation rallies, maybe Megan grew the balls to leave Don and proceed with the initial plan. If so, we could totally see Hollywood welcoming her with open arms. (Especially if she auditioned for roles by performing “Zou Bisou Bisou.”) Perhaps the former soap actress would get cast in movies like “The Graduate” or “Bonnie And Clyde,” both of which were released in the late-’60s. Living well is the best revenge and Megan’s professional success would definitely drive Don insane — and that’s something worth the price of admission.

5 Theories About Tonight's Mad Men Season 7 Premiere

Theory #5: Peggy tries being a lesbian. After getting tragically dumped by Ted Chaough — who said he was going to leave his wife and kids for the advertising ingénue but then ended up moving to California instead — Peggy swears off men. All men. So much so, that she decides to take a dip in the lady pond. What? She’s a modern woman who doesn’t need a dude to complete her. She’s got ambition, gumption and a closet full of plaid pantsuits! So there, world. Oooh, maybe her photographer friend Joyce Ramsay, who also happens to like women, helps show Peggy the lesbian ropes by introducing her to the scene bubbling up in NYC’s Greenwich Village. The decade’s end marked an important time for gay rights in the City — the famous Stonewall riots took place in 1969 — and Peggy has always attracted to underground subcultures, so it really wouldn’t be that much of a stretch.