17 Uncomfortable Moments At Every Bridal Shower

Tis the season for the awkward bridal shower! We have no idea why they are always so uncomfortable, yet every bride (or her pushy mother) insists on doing one. Oh well, the universe is filled with secrets. Will the maid of honor drop a cupcake into her cleavage? Will a game of “Two Lies, One Truth” tell everyone more than you ever wanted to know about Aunt Beth and Uncle Randy’s sex life? You can bet that you’ll be squirming with discomfort even as you plaster a smile on your face and pretend you are thrilled that the bride now owns a set of muffin tins. Oh, honey, we’ve all been there. Here are 17 uncomfortable moments from every bridal shower we’ve ever been to:

  1. Any discussion of honeymoon sex.
  2. Someone accidentally refers to the groom by the bride’s ex-boyfriend’s name.
  3. Cousin Charlotte shows up an hour late for no apparent reason.
  4. The bride gets a veil festooned with numerous dicks on it. In front of her grandmother.
  5. Aunt Becky starts pounding the frozen margaritas. Is it noon yet?
  6. Comparing engagement rings starts to feel like a contest comparing the size of engagement rings.
  7. Someone asks the bride how much weight she is planning to lose before the wedding.
  8. Three different guests all get the bride-to-be the same gift, which also happened to be the cheapest thing on the registry.
  9. The bride gets all the “how well do you know each other?” questions wrong. (Can we all just agree bridal shower games generally suck, please?)
  10. Second-Cousin-Once-Removed Louisa invites herself. And brings her three kids with her. And their dog.
  11. That Crate And Barrel box actually contains gift of sexy lingerie from some completely inappropriate older relative who doesn’t understand this is the bridal shower, not the bachelorette party.
  12. Someone makes an awkwardly loud comment about how single-sex showers are retro and sexist and a hush falls over the room.
  13. When you have to introduce people to each other and you forget their names.
  14. The mother-of-the-bride comments that she hopes the bride pops out some grandkids “before I die.”
  15. The punch is not nearly alcoholic enough.
  16. The gift of the Better Marriage fart-absorbing blanket. (Actually, scratch that. Those things are awesome and should be distributed to every couple by the government.)
  17. You are the bride and they make you wear that fucking ribbon hat.

[Image of champagne spilling via Shutterstock]