Last night on the way home from work, a bag containing the contents of my desk broke as I was getting off the subway. In that bag was a giant, rubber boob that Amelia had given me as a going away present. Just to be clear, I don’t normally travel with a rubber breast in my bag. This was a special occasion. Well, the tit fell out my bag, onto the platform, bounced once and then slowly rolled away. A nice man rushed to help me pick everything up. Unknowingly, he grabbed the rubber tit, looked at it, looked at me, and carefully set it back on the subway platform (nipple side down), with a look that said, I have just been an accidental perv.
“Oh, that’s a gift from my coworkers,” I said, as if that would smooth everything over.
He then proceeded to walk away from me as quickly as possible.
This is an example of an awkward boob situation that most women have NOT experienced. Lucky you! But here are a bunch of uncomfortable boob moments that I’m sure you’re all too familiar with…
1. When you look down and realize your bra has cut into your boobs and created a four-boob situation.
2. When they pop out while you’re moshing at a rock concert.
3. When you’re on a date and a dumpling falls down into your cleavage and you have to decide whether to leave it there or put your chopsticks down there and eat it.
4. When you realize that not only is your bra showing, but your nipple is peeking out and you had no idea.
5. When your boobs threaten to suffocate you in downward dog.
6. When your nipples are uneven in your bra and it looks like your chest has a lazy eye.
7. When your nipples won’t stop being hard during a work meeting.
8. When the gynecologist has to give you a breast exam while you just lay there and watch.
9. When you get epic tit sweat stains on your shirt in the summer.
10. When they won’t let you get comfortable when you’re trying to find a sleeping position.
11. When a guy is trying to kiss or suck them and they’re SO sensitive that you just whimper like a sad puppy, and he starts apologizing for hurting you.
12. When you notice that they’ve spouted hair. Or even worse, when someone else notices they’ve sprouted hair.
13. When you catch some perv looking down your shirt and he sees you seeing him.
14. When your boobs somehow create crazy cleavage in your super conservative job interview shirt.
15. When your boobs are sore and you are forced to run for some reason beyond your control, so you have to hold them.
16. When you answer the door with no bra and then try to shield your boobs from the UPS guy and sign for your package at the same time.
[Photo from Shutterstock]