Since learning about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s decision to “consciously uncouple,” we’ve been trying to unpack the term in all its PC glory. It seems that similar to other areas of her life, Gwyneth will be superior when it comes to divorce. So, far we haven’t seen one inkling of sadness, ire or admission that either party was having an affair. Ahem.
According to an anonymous source who spilled the beans to the Daily Mail, even the couple’s decision to get divorced was beyond reproach. Allegedly, the couple agreed to split while vacationing on island of Eleuthera in the Bahamas and instead of exchanging bitter words, they exchanged gifts. The source claims that Chris gave Gwyneth a painting of a bird in flight by Mila Fürstová to “mark the new stage in their lives.”
“It might sound like a line that they’re happier than they’ve ever been but the relief is massive, they can enjoy being friends again now. It’s like all the tensions have finally dispersed, the stress of arguing where about where to live. She missed Los Angeles and he’s an English boy through and through so that seemed like an eternal battle. They’re communicating again, they’re having a glass of wine together and a laugh and were actually looking forward to the holiday,” boasted the insider.
Sounds a little too good to be true to us. Breakups are messy, no matter how organic your diet is. For now, we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.If you aspire to go the Gwynnie/Chris route and dump your partner like an enlightened lifestyle brand baron, here are some tips for how to “consciously uncouple” with no mess, no stress and no heartbreak:
1. Get an aura massage together so that when you negotiate separation proceedings you’ll both be coming from a spiritually pure place.
2. Have an nutritional guru examine your quinoa leftovers to determine your true emotional states and cholesterol levels.
3. Burn the $5,000 Egyptian cotton sheet set that you once shared, for closure.
4. Strike the words “anger,” “sadness,” “blame,” and “depression” from your vocabulary…forever.
5. Record a cathartic rap duet and release it on iTunes.
6. Do an organic coconut oil pulling to cleanse your teeth and gums of any lingering resentments.
7. Go on a double date with Jay and Bey and make it clear that you don’t expect them to choose sides.
8. Stop eating carbs, because you should have already been doing that, but it’s even more important during a breakup.
9. Keep divorce journals and get together once a week to discuss them before your therapy sessions, just so you’re on the same page.
10. Continue to let your ex-partner dictate your pubic hairstyle, because you’re THAT comfortable with each other as friends.
11. Watch the “Iron Man” trilogy together in your shared home movie theater and practice not hoarding the gluten-free Raisinets.
12. Start a lifestyle blog and co-author a book about how to “consciously uncouple.” Split all the profits 50-50.