I’ve always been a fairly clumsy, messy person. I’m incapable of wearing a white blouse without soiling it with mustard stains, even if I don’t eat any foods with mustard on them (“Phantom Mustard Magnet” isn’t just a great band name, it’s my reality). I tend to trip at really inopportune times, and not in a charming Jennifer Lawrence way. My soup-in-mouth vs. soup-on-face ratio is about 1:5. I should probably buy stock in Tide To-Go Pens. I can assemble full meals with all the crumbs I find in my cleavage at the end of the day. You get the idea. So anyway, last night I was having dinner at a Mexican restaurant. While telling a story, I began gesturing wildly with a chip in my hand, and — wouldn’t you know it? — I ended up with a large glop of guacamole in my hair. So gross. Or was it? I mean, I had been meaning to do an avocado scalp treatment this weekend. Wasn’t this basically the same thing? After all, like the old adage says (I’m paraphrasing here): “When life hands you guacamole in your hair, just rub it in and make an avocado scalp treatment.” Inspired by my margarita-fueled beauty epiphany, here are 10 beauty treatment ideas for all my fellow klutzes!
1. Instead of an avocado scalp treatment, try … accidentally dipping your hair in guacamole while reaching for your margarita.
2. Instead of a chemical peel on your decolletage, try … spilling boiling hot tomato soup down your blouse.
3. Instead of a coffee body scrub, try … taking a small sip of coffee while walking.
4. Instead of a warm oil hair mask, try … getting a partially open jar of coconut oil down from a high shelf.
5. Instead of a chocolate facial, try ... eating a slightly melted candy bar in a moving car.
6. Instead of a vinegar hair rinse, try … grossly misjudging the distance between your salad and your mouth.
7. Instead of a moisturizing cuticle treatment, try … fishing your phone out of a public toilet.
8. Instead of a lip exfoliation scrub, try … biting your lip repeatedly while eating cinnamon toast.
9. Instead of pore-clearing strip, try … getting a piece of heavy duty packing tape stuck to your nose.
10. Instead of a hot wax hand treatment, try … moving a lit candle from one room to another.
Disclaimer: please do not actually try any of these. Or do, by accident, on a daily basis. I feel you, girl.