It’s been two days since I’ve heard from GQ, and to be honest, I’m in an anxiety spiral. Although there’s still a tiny part of me that’s hoping for the best, it appears I’ve been ghosted.
Last week, as I mentioned, I happily accepted when GQ asked me over for takeout and a movie. Although we ultimately opted against the takeout in favor of a quick trip to a cozy eatery near his apartment, the night went exactly according to plan. We laughed, talked, yes—slept together— and even made the decision to take down our online dating profiles.
That night, I fell asleep with his arms around me and a smile on my face. The next morning while we got ready for work, he stopped me when he saw me packing up the tank top and yoga pants I slept in and told me to leave them at his house for next time, referring to our date to see the Broadway show which he’d surprised me with tickets to the previous week. I smiled, took the PJs out of my duffel and left them sitting on his windowsill. Later that day, I took my profile down and sent him a screenshot of the “Goodbye!” message where my profile once was. He replied, “That’s what I like to see. I just disabled mine, as well.”
For the first time in the two years I’ve been online dating, someone actually asked me to take my profile down. And quite honestly, until then, I’d never felt strongly enough about someone to have even wanted to. I took this as a sign that things were moving in the right direction, and that GQ was actually serious about wanting a relationship with me. Things were moving quickly, but I felt OK with that. I was getting all the right signals and things felt natural.
On the morning of the show, I got a text from GQ telling me that he woke up feeling like he had the flu, and asking if we could postpone our date a few days. I agreed, disappointed, and vowed to wait to hear from him until he reached out again, just in case his sudden illness was an excuse to do the slow fade. When I heard from him the next day, my fears were temporarily relieved.
“When can I see you again?” he texted. “I’m sorry again about last night.”
“Saturday if you’re feeling better, Sunday if you need some extra time to recover,” I responded.
I felt relieved that even though he was under the weather, he was thinking about me. Still slightly skeptical about the reason for his cancellation, I tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was telling me the truth about being sick. Up until that point, nothing had given me any indication that he didn’t want to see me again, so why should I assume otherwise?
I made other plans for the weekend in case GQ wasn’t feeling better. On Saturday, he told me he likely wouldn’t venture out, and that if he did, he would let me know. After not hearing from him the rest of the day, I called it an early night and woke up to my phone ringing around midnight. It was him. After apologizing for waking me up, he proceeded to tell me that his friends coerced him to go out for a drink, but he felt so crappy that he had one beer and was heading home. He asked me to call him when I had some free time to reschedule our plans.
The next day, I called and got no answer. He never called back. The day after that, I sent him a text asking him how he was feeling, and nada. No response at all. I’ve now spent the last several days wondering what happened. I considered the fact that maybe he’s seeing someone else, realized he didn’t want to pursue things with me anymore and lied about his illness to let me down easily, but it just doesn’t add up. I still have so many unanswered questions: Why have me leave my clothes there? Why reach out to make plans again if he just wanted me gone? Why? Why? Why!?
All of my Patrick Bateman trust issues have resurfaced, leaving me questioning my own self-worth and assuming that GQ was lying to me all along and I was just too blind to pick up on the signals. I’ve been having flashbacks of the exact moment I discovered Patrick Bateman had another girlfriend, and the denial and the anger that came along with it. After the sordid discovery, I spent the next several months carefully inspecting text messages, calls, emails and anything that Patrick Bateman might have said to indicate he was lying. I tried so hard to find some kind of “sign,” and in turn, drove myself half insane wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent the pain I was feeling. I know I don’t want to head down a similar path with GQ, at least as far as driving myself crazy trying to understand why. I want answers.
So, I had a friend of mine log on to OKCupid to see if his account was still disabled, thinking maybe he had a change of heart about us and reactivated it, but he’s a ghost online as well as off. I suppose it’s possible GQ realized things were moving too quickly, got cold feet and is backing off a bit, but why hasn’t he had the decency to send me a single text message? I’ve been trying to convince myself that whatever the reason is for his vanishing, it doesn’t have to do with me… but I just don’t know.
The uncertainty that’s plagued me in the past is back in full swing, and is turning me into one giant ball of nerves. I just want to know what happened, but I’m coming to the realization that I may never get that luxury. But at the very least, I want my pajamas back.
[Photo from Shutterstock]