11 Reasons You’re Not Getting Any Blowjobs

11 Reasons You're Not Getting Any Blowjobs

Show us a man who doesn’t want more blowjobs, and we will show you…a man we’ve never met. Guys, we are picking up all the hints (even the ones you think are super subtle). We know that if it were realistic, you would like us to blow you all day and night (well, for 4 hours and 19 minutes to be exact), and trust us, we’re probably obliging as often as we can. But if you find yourself chronically blowjob-less and aren’t sure why, well, we must be blunt: the problem’s not us, it’s you. There are many ways that guys sabotage their chances for a little oral action, many of which are easily fixable. Here are a few of them…

1. You’re wearing a disgusting, flavored condom. Brazilian condom company, Prudence, makes jimmies in the oh-so-unappetizing flavor of durian fruit. If you’ve never had the pleasure of tasting the exotic fruit, take English novelist Anthony Burgess’ word for it: “dining on durian is like eating vanilla custard in a latrine.” And the smell? Even worse. It’s been described as smelling like everything from garbage to vomit. Need we say more?

2. You’re not shaking all the pee off your dick when you go to the bathroom. No one wants to suck a dick that tastes like durian fruit, minus the vanilla custard part.

3. You don’t trim the grass. If we can’t go down there without getting poked in the eye by pubes, we’re not going to be quite as motivated.

4. You often make references to how you want us to “choke on it.” We understand that choking on dick is common in the porn world, but in the real world, that’s our air supply, and we’re not eager to have it obstructed.

5. You don’t return the favor. We think oral sex should more or less be performed in a one-to-one ratio. If you’re not offering to go downtown regularly, expect our offers to wane. Give and take, guys. Give and take.

6. Your dick is proportionately much larger than most women’s’ mouths. Like any muscle group that you overwork at the gym, the jaw gets sore and needs time to heal.

7. There’s leftover lube on your dick from the last time you jerked off. If you haven’t showered since you slathered yourself in lube, your penis tastes more like petroleum than penis. No thanks.

8. We’re congested. Having sex while sick can have its perks, but severe nasal congestion is prohibitive when it comes to bjs. That whole “needing to breathe” thing is kind of important.

9. No matter how long we suck, you remain in a chub state. Chubs are the best, but you can’t help but feel like a little bit of a failure when you’ve had a chub in your mouth for a full 20 minutes and it doesn’t seem to be perking up.

10. You call them blowies. Nope. Just don’t.

11. All those hamfisted hints that you want a blowjob are getting on our nerves. OK. We get it. You want more blowjobs. Please stop dropping not-so-subtle hints and let our mouths find their way to your penis in their own time.

[Photo from Shutterstock]

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