Cosmo is well on its way to owning the “food/sex experimentation” beat. First, Anna Breslaw attempted to masturbate on the NYC subway while eating a gyro, and now Mark Shrayber tried to use pizza as a “sex toy.” (At least it happened in the privacy of his own home.) The phrase “pizza as a sex toy” is probably conjuring images of mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce stuck to a thatch of pubic hair. Let me explain in more detail how one uses pizza as a “sex toy.” Hint: it’s not so different from the man who used a Domino’s Pizza as a gloryhole and burnt his penis or the teen who recently posted a video of himself fucking a hot pocket. Pizza sex is en trende, peeps!
Shrayber’s pizza sex romp was not inspired by these two news items, but rather by a Cosmo sex tip that suggested “a pizza picnic party in bed.” After convincing his partner that he would pay to have the sheets dry-cleaned, his boyfriend agreed to be a willing participant. With two white pizza pies (to prevent irreparable sheet stains), spoken word poetry playing in the background and candles lit for effect, the guys preceded to engage in pizza foreplay. (In some other universe “pizza foreplay” means shoving down a few garlic knots before your pie comes out of the oven.) But in this context, it includes dirty talk while someone masticates. Shrayber writes:
“We started out slow by trying to feed each other the pizza, breaking off tiny bits and putting them in each other’s mouths, then doing our best to chew and swallow sexily. For me, that meant doing it with my mouth closed and keeping direct eye contact. At one point I also engaged in a bit of dirty talk, telling my partner to ‘chew that pizza. Chew it like you mean it. Yeah, that’s how. Now swallow,’…By this time the pizza was warm rather than hot so we moved on to placing it on each other’s bodies and then trying to nibble and lick it off. While this was fun, I can understand why something like this would work better with sushi. Until you’ve tried to get a piece of pizza off someone’s chest with only your teeth and tongue, you don’t really appreciate how nice firm foods can be for sexual practices.”
The main course, if you will, was intended to be a slice wrapped around a dong — like a fleshlight. But that didn’t quite go as planned because A) his partner felt too much like the Hot Pocket dude and B) he wanted to get the pesto out of his hair before it hardened. Who can blame him?
I think the takeaway here is pizza is not ideally used as a sex toy. It’s wonderful for eating, awful for eating off someone’s chest hair. Also, proof once again that Cosmo’s sex tips are intended only for the sake of humor. [Cosmopolitan]
[Photo from Shutterstock]