Normally, the two-hour finale of “The Bachelor” and the subsequent hour of “After the Final Rose” are bloated with filler scenes and not-at-all exciting revelations. Even though this season of “The Bachelor” has been unlike any other, in that, you know, Juan Pablo Galavis is not fit to marry anyone and has been all-around terrible, I thought we got the full extent of his doucheitude in every other episode, and this one would be fairly boring and tame. After all, it’s been obvious for weeks that — SPOILER ALERT! – he was going to choose Nikki in the end and Clare was going to be “left brokenhearted.” Well consider me very, very surprised that I found all three hours of last night’s episode to be a complete car wreck of delights. Let’s review the episode’s best and worst moments and then celebrate that Juaaaaaan-uary is finally fucking over.
BEST: ABC Clearly Hates Juan Pablo
Last night’s episode did not even try to edit Juan Pablo is a positive light. The shitty behavior we’ve seen in increasing bits and pieces from Juan Pablo all season basically ran rampant in his final scenes with Nikki and Clare, and ABC did nothing to edit them out. It’s like ABC finally accepted that their choice was a disaster and basically spent the final episode and “After the Final Rose” really, really showing Juan Pablo for exactly who he is.
BEST: Juan Pablo’s Family Warned Both Women That He Sucks
Normally the Bachelor/Bachelorette’s family comes in on the last episode to aid in making that difficult final choice between the two remaining men/women. Juan Pablo’s family, however, seemed more concerned with making sure Nikki and Clare knew what they were getting with Juan Pablo. Like the fact that he’s rude! And when things get difficult in a relationship, he flees! Juan Pablo’s mother, father and cousin were decisively less concerned about who their son would choose, and more focused on figuring out which woman would be mostly likely to be able to stand being in a relationship with that shitbird.
WORST: Juan Pablo Finds A Romantic, Private Moment To Tell Clare He Loves (Fucking) Her
When Claire and Juan Pablo had a brief moment alone in the helicopter on their final date before the last rose ceremony, Juan Pablo chose that moment to whisper some sweet nothings to his potential future wife. At first, Clare was coy and refused to say exactly what he said, but the gist was that Juan Pablo’s remarks were crude and sexual and while, uh, complimentary, they were not exactly what Clare was hoping he’d choose to say the day before he maybe asks for her hand in marriage. Later, Clare revealed that Juan Pablo’s words to her were, “I love fucking you,” which is not a bad thing to say to someone, but given that Juan Pablo’s has been extremely hypocritical and manipulative when it comes to hooking up with the women, especially Clare, it’s pretty repulsive for him to treat her like a sex object after she’s put up with his shit and made it to the final two. It showed just how little respect Juan Pablo’s has for her and Nikki.
WORST: Clare Confronts Juan Pablo, He Behaves Dismissively Towards Her, She Takes It
Clare makes me both proud and sad. On one hand, she stands up for herself. I think she’s handles Juan Pablo’s ongoing shitty behavior with grace and maturity. When he’s done something that’s bothered her, she’s brought it up with him and has been honest about her feelings. She’s stood up for herself when he’s been hypocritical and unkind. But she has also continued to stay. Clare is someone who is clearly dying to fall in love, and has tried to hard to make Juan Pablo the one. And he’s been more than happy to play along and use her. I was psyched when, yet again, Clare confronted Juan Pablo, this time about the comment in the helicopter, but it was so disappointing to see her sit there and just take it as he talked down to her and was dismissive of her concern. It was also sad to see him continue to lead her on, to allow her to think she could feel confident that she would be getting the final rose, that he was serious about finding love, when it was obvious that he had no such intention.
BEST: Juan Pablo Dumps Clare, But She Gets The Last Word
The big day finally arrived and after hobbling through the sand in high heels (c’mon ABC, you couldn’t have installed a temporary wood walkway?), poor Clare was quickly dumped by Juan Pablo. I mean, the man does not have a way with words, and he knows it, so he basically went for a one-two punch that was painful to watch. But I and the entire “Bachelor” live studio audience basically exploded into cheers when Juan Pablo went in to hug Clare goodbye and she stopped him so she could finally give him a piece of her mind. And damn, did she get the last word: “I’ll tell you what. I thought I knew what kind of man you were. What you just made me go through — I would never want my children having a father like you.” BOOM.
WORST: Juan Pablo Disrespects Clare The Minute She Walks Away
“Glad I didn’t pick her,” Juan Pablo joked (!) as a heartbroken Clare walked away, because he’s cruel and classless and deserves a swift kick to the nuts.
WORST: Juan Pablo Chooses Nikki, But Mostly By Default, Doesn’t Propose
I mean, I think it’s weird that people get engaged at the end of the show, that they don’t wait until they get to know each other better in the real world before making that level of commitment. But dude, if you tell a guy you love him and he can’t say it back and instead offers you scraps like he “doesn’t want to say goodbye”? You say goodbye. You are not on the same page. You never were on the same page. Count your losses and move on. Alas, Nikki did not.
BEST: Clare Refuses To Sit Down With Juan Pablo On “After The Final Rose”
And why would she? Just to hear him say,”It’s okay, it’s okay,” to everything she says? Heard enough of that all season, thanks. Clare’s interview with Chris was still great though, as it certainly seems like Clare has become a lot stronger and self-possessed and has moved on from the nightmare that is Juan Pablo quite well.
WORST: Juan Pablo Still Refuses To Take Any Responsibility, Has No Regrets
THIS. FUCKING. GUY.
WORST: ABC Says Juan Pablo Promised A Surprise, Juan Pablo Has No Surprise
What the fuck was that all about? The entire episode, Chris Harrison kept teasing that Juan Pablo had a surprise for us all, that back in St. Lucia, Juan Pablo told producers he would have a surprise on “After the Final Rose.” But clearly that was some miscommunication, because Juan Pablo played dumb about any surprise and Chris quickly moved things along without explanation. Reality Steve says that producers were trying to convince Juan Pablo to propose to Nikki on “After the Final Rose,” but he wasn’t havin’ that. Perhaps because…
WORST: Juan Pablo Still Refuses To Tell Nikki He Loves Her Back
Juan Pablo kept crowing about their relationship being “private” now even as he and Nikki sat next to each other on a live TV show that was supposed to be about where the relationship is now. So where is it? Well, Nikki loves Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo “is not going to discuss that on TV.” As if he hasn’t been on a TV show the whole time. As if he wasn’t on a TV show RIGHT THEN. Even Chris Harrison had no more fucks left to give and was clearly done playing nice . As for Nikki? Seems like her approach to this relationship is all about repeating Juan Pablo’s two favorite words to herself, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Girl, it’s not okay.