Well, “The Bachelor” has kind of duped me again. It’s my fault for thinking there was even a chance that last night’s “nightmare fantasy suite” episode would live up to the hype of the teasers, but alas, Andi did not break up with Juan Pablo because he tried to pull a switcheroo and stuck it in her butt during the overnight dates. While that may have happened — girlfriend is walking kinda slowly the morning after (as you’ll see in a clip after the jump) — Andi’s reason for dumping Juan Pablo was the sudden realization that he’s a self-absorbed, uninteresting douchebag. Um … it took until the second to last episode to figure that out? Maybe not! After the jump, my assessment of last night’s debacle — which included a lengthy fight over whether Juan Pablo would use the word “default” (I’m serious!) — and some thoughts on who the next “Bachelorette” could be.
So, just a quick recap, after Monday night’s hometown dates, Juan Pablo sent single mom Renee home, likely because he realized it really, really wasn’t right to continue stringing her along when he’s not actually in the market for a wife or even a long-term relationship. The hometown dates weren’t actually all the consequential because every single woman’s family basically did not like Juan Pablo. A couple of them pretended to be charmed by the end, but overall, the impression he left was a big ol’ “SERIOUSLY?! THIS GUY?!”
With the elimination of Renee, that left Andi, Clare and Nikki as his final three. I’m pretty sure he went into the final three with the intention of cutting Clare, as she’s most invested in their imaginary “connection.” I mean, no offense to anyone who thinks otherwise, but Nikki has had this in the bag since Juan Pablo introduced her to his family and his kid two episodes ago. Now, the difference between third place and second place is that the next season of “The Bachelorette” always starts filming shortly after the final episode airs, and thus the runner-up is, in theory, too brokenhearted to “move on” and find love with someone else so soon. Therefore, for a number of seasons running now, third runner-up has been the frontrunner for the next “Bachelorette” and production is obviously pretty invested in who that person is because it makes their job easier. (Juan Pablo himself is, of course, a recent departure from that casting strategy.) Anyway, I’ll get back to that in a bit. Let’s talk about Juan Pablo and Andi’s fight/breakup.
Andi got the second overnight date of the episode, after Clare, which means she got to enjoy Juan Pablo’s second pair of cargo shorts in this episode. He wore three. JUST SO YOU KNOW. Anyway, before retiring to the fantasy suite, Juan Pablo and Andi had a lovely and romantic day together in St. Lucia and things seemed to be going well. Then it’s time to go to the fantasy suite (FYI, Juan Pablo is not at all concerned about what Camilla might think anymore), where ALL THE ACTION went down off camera. So, according to “Bachelor” rumormonger Reality Steve (he has very reliable intel on serious matters like these), Juan Pablo dropped his cargos for all three women and did the nasty. Sex in the fantasy suite is very rarely addressed though and of course these prudes want us to assume that all they did all night was talk and dry hump, but we’re talking about adults here. Of course they all have sex. Chris Harrison says so!
Which is why it’s disappointing to me that Andi’s reason for calling the evening a “nightmare” wasn’t somehow linked to Juan Pablo’s sexual proclivities or abilities, because that would be so much more fun.
No, apparently being locked inside a room overnight with Juan Pablo gave Andi the opportunity to see what we all have known since, like, episode two, which is that HE IS THE WORST. I’m assuming that once the doors shut, the two of them banged and then the post-coital conversation turned into the ultimate girl boner killer. Andi complained that Juan Pablo seemed incapable of talking about anything serious or important, did not ask her questions about herself, told her that he already had an overnight date with Clare (the implication is that Andi knows he fucked Clare too), kept name-dropping, seemed utterly disinterested in getting to know her and basically just gave her an epic case of what my friends and I call “the dreads,” and, in her words, she could not wait to get out of there. Ugh, been there, girl. And it can be the worst when that happens AFTER you’ve let him stick it in. At least he’s hot?
The best part, though, is that Juan Pablo thinks their overnight was an incredible success! He had a blast! They laughed! SO MUCH LAUGHING! Wheeeee! Juan Pablo has as much emotional intelligence as Carrot Top’s left ballsack, so of course he’s not on the same page as Andi. He’s not even reading the same book. Because he doesn’t read, because he’s dumb, duh. Anyway, their breakup came just before the rose ceremony, and what started out as a straightforward discussion about Andi JUST NOT FEELIN’ IT turned into a war of words. Or word. Specifically the word “default.”
See, one of Juan Pablo’s other fuck-ups during the overnight — again, cameras weren’t rolling for this — was apparently telling Andi that she was there (i.e. one of the final three) “by default,” which is no doubt a shitty thing to say. But would Juan Pablo ever use the word “default”? That was my first thought when Andi called him out for what he said, and lo and behold, Juan Pablo himself was like, “Default? What is this word? I don’t use this word.” Now, whether it’s due to the alleged “language barrier” (I think he’s played it up to cover for the fact that he’s a dumbfuck) or limited vocabulary, I happen to think Juan Pablo would never use the word default on his own. Andi was 100 percent sure he said it, though, which makes me think it’s a word he picked up from producers, either purposefully fed to him or used in his conversations with them about Andi. But I do think he said. Why he used that word is important though, because it plays into my theory that production was meddling in this pair’s demise.
But regardless, it is hilaaaaaaarious to me that a good chunk of Andi and Juan Pablo’s argument was over whether he would use a 6th grade vocabulary word. It is to laugh.
Anyway, Andi got more and more heated because the second she was like, “Yeah, I’m not feeling this,” Juan Pablo made it pretty clear he couldn’t give a fuck, just repeating “It’s okay, it’s okay” to everything she said, as if the last nine episodes and six cumulative hours together meant nothing. Juan Pablo explained that he knows he can’t convince someone to like him who doesn’t like him and while that’s true, I get why Andi was pissed that someone she invested her time and emotions in clearly wasn’t investing himself to be able to walk away so easily.
Y’all, Andi is playing hard for that “Bachelorette” title. Here is my theory. Andi had doubts already. She and Juan Pablo banged, it was, to use Juan Pablo’s favorite word, “okay,” and then they talked uninterrupted for a few hours and she realized that, faced with the decision between eating an entire Old Navy store’s worth of cargo shorts or marrying Juan Pablo, she’s not sure what she would do. Production, meanwhile, knew that Juan Pablo was planning on keeping Andi and sending home Clare, meaning that she would be in the prime position for “Bachelorette.” But who wants to watch Clare as “The Bachelorette”? NO ONE, not even Clare’s daddy up in heaven. (I have a dead dad so I can make dead dad jokes, it’s in the rules.) If not Clare, then who? Sharleen would be the very best possible choice, because she is an amazingly weird awkward goddess and it would be such a thrill to watch a smart, cool freakazoid LIKE US compete for some truly interesting men, but Sharleen, let’s face it, IS WAY TOO COOL FOR THIS ISH. Plus, she’s just booked an understudy gig at the Met Opera, so yeah, take a number, Chris Harrison.
Minus Clare (too boring) and Sharleen (too cool), that leaves Renee as the only other person who lasted long enough to have developed a real fanbase, and fan loyalty is really how ABC decides who to cast. Renee, god love her, doesn’t pop on camera. Plus, I heard she has a new boyfriend. Seriously, there’s no one else to be “Bachelorette” … unless production steps in and gets Andi to eliminate herself forcing a Clare and Nikki final two. It’s a win-win for Andi — she’s over Juan Pablo anyway, this way she gets to leave on her own AND up her chances at having her own season. She would be their, to use that word, DEFAULT “Bachelorette.” Hmm, maybe that’s where he learned that word… Clare, meanwhile, gets to hold on to the false hope that Juan Pablo actually cares about her and Nikki can be even more sure that the final rose is hers. And Juan Pablo doesn’t give a shit because he’s never given a shit and also he’s too dumb to know what’s going on.
So, to make things more dramatic, production probably pushed Andi to have some big confrontation with Juan Pablo, painting him as a dickbag, since that’s what America already thinks and they might as well use it to their advantage, i.e. increasing Andi’s popularity by making her be the woman who stands up to him. The thing is, I’m not entirely sure it worked and that “America” is as won over by Andi as ABC would like us to be. I guess we’ll find out. Until then, I’ll be crossing my fingers that ABC scrounges between the couch cushions and in Juan Pablo’s cargo short pockets and comes up with enough money to woo Sharleen. She would be AMAZING.