Breaking news: According to The New York Post, all those sexy, mountain man beards you’ve seen parading around the trendiest parts of Brooklyn, Portland, Nashville, Austin and the like, are — GASP! – fake, fake fake. Plastic surgeon Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, who performs facial hair transplants for $8,500 a pop says that his beard-enhancing services have increased markedly in recent years He’s gone from performing a handful a year to three a week!
“Brooklyn is probably the nucleus of the trend, it’s the hipster ‘look’ guys want. If you have a spotty beard, and you let it grow out, it looks sloppy, clients want full beards because it’s a masculine look. Beards are an important male identifier,” Epstein explained.
I never begrudge a man feeling more manly. But what about the women who are now feeling duped? Here you’ve been cozying up to a bearded man all winter because it’s WINTER and beards help keep you WARM and now, you find out it all might be a sham. Unacceptable. Below are some clues that his whisker bonanza is really a fistful of pubic hair sewn onto to his face.
1. He owns a bunch of eyebrow pencils for no explicable reason. Danny, a recipient of a beard transplant, admits that his beard used to be so patchy, he was forced to fill it in with an eyebrow pencil.
2. He has bare patches on his head, chest or pubic region. When receiving a beard transplant, doctors use real hair from other areas of the body, so that bald patch under his ballsack may not just be a “fluke.”
3. He only shaves certain parts of his face. Notice when he shaves or trims his man sweater if he gets the whole chin/cheek region or darts around like he’s lost in a labyrinth. Because only real beard hair grows like real beard hair.
4. You tug on his face and he doesn’t say “ouch.” Sure, he’d love you to believe he’s more “immune to pain” than other men, but the truth might be in desensitized hair follicles.
5. He owns a very expensive, distressed concert tee or purposefully ripped jeans. The most common reasons the beardial transplanters cited for getting the procedure were: wanting to look older, wanting to look younger, and wanting to look more edgy. These reasons speak to lack of self-confidence. The same reasons a man would buy a Pixies concert tee at Barney’s and pretend like he’s had it since the ’90s.