My Completely Serious 100-Point Boyfriend Checklist

Earlier this morning, I learned that I only have 11 months and 29 days to find a boyfriend and convince him to marry me (or else!). With that in mind, I decided it was time to get serious, really serious, about what I’m looking for in a partner, that way I don’t spend next Valentine’s Day all alone, mourning the fact that my perfect marriage date has passed. So I made a checklist of all the qualities I’m looking for in a significant other. It’s pretty short. I’m sure I can find someone who fits all the criteria.

The man I am looking for…

  1. …knows the following about Diet Coke: Fountain > Can > Bottle.
  2. …makes things with his hands.
  3. …doesn’t mind that reruns of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” take up most of my DVR space.
  4. …randomly tells me I’m beautiful.
  5. …keeps an eye out for vintage Sweet Valley High and V.C. Andrews paperbacks when he goes to used bookstores.
  6. …thinks my Lucca voice is cute.
  7. …doesn’t let his phone die on a routine basis.
  8. …is an adventurous eater.
  9. …is down to read books aloud to each other in funny voices.
  10. …did not attend an Ivy League.
  11. …thinks “Fear” starring Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon is a pretty great movie.
  12. …retweets me without being asked.
  13. …thinks it’s cool that I wrote about my colonic yesterday.
  14. …would still love me even if my foot picking habit started up again.
  15. …would let me fuck Ryan Gosling and/or Charlie Hunnam, just once.
  16. …doesn’t give a shit about the Olympics.
  17. …would never try and take a bath with me.
  18. …will ALWAYS DVR “The Notebook.”
  19. …is good with his penis.
  20. …goes to therapy.
  21. …wants kids.
  22. …has access to a rocket ship.
  23. …takes his shirt off the sexy way, every single time.
  24. …rolls a solid joint.
  25. …thinks I am HILARIOUS.
  26. …will memorize the placement of all nine of my bed pillows.
  27. …uses a fresh wet washcloth to clean my back/stomach/whatever after he comes there, not a dry piece of toilet paper.
  28. …can cook a better steak than me.
  29. …admits I cook a better pork tenderloin.
  30. …doesn’t shave every day.
  31. …doesn’t care if I shave every day.
  32. …knows all the lyrics to Queen’s “Somebody To Love.”
  33. …will never ever ever snore.
  34. …is masterful at braiding hair and will be happy to braid my hair whenever I ask, in any style I ask for, including the impossible (for me) to figure out waterfall braid. 
  35. …has read just enough Ayn Rand to know he hates her.
  36. …brings me perfect, unchipped seashells from every beachy locale he visits.
  37. …is somehow related to Sir Patrick Stewart.
  38. …has no refractory period.
  39. …is really excited about spending next summer watching “Big Brother” live feeds with me.
  40. …rides a motorcycle but isn’t a douche about it.
  41. …is a cuddle monster.
  42. …thinks spying on the neighbors with my binoculars is a cool idea not a creepy one.
  43. …reads his horoscope.
  44. …won’t ask for a threesome for his birthday.
  45. …thinks my number of prior sexual partners is “just right.”
  46. …doesn’t know who Farrah Abraham is.
  47. …likes to hold hands in public.
  48. …doesn’t mind that the white noise I need in order to fall asleep at night is the gentle hum of the Starship Enterprise.
  49. …never reads Buzzfeed.
  50. …has no opinions on women wearing makeup or yoga pants.
  51. …always puts the toilet seat down.
  52. …calls me “baby girl” sometimes in a way that is decisively sexy and not infantilizing.
  53. …upon seeing my pubic hair for the first time, declares, “Haphazardly shaved into a tuft is my favorite style, how did you know?”
  54. …doesn’t feign an embarrassing accent when ordering at an ethnic restaurant.
  55. …would sooner saw off his foot than attend Burning Man.
  56. …has genetically superior hair follicles and will never go bald.
  57. …is addicted to giving oral sex.
  58. …loves blowjobs, but only for about six minutes and 37 seconds, conveniently when my jaw starts to cramp.
  59. …calls it a crockpot not a slow cooker.
  60. …is mindful of using the correct pronouns when talking about or addressing a trans person.
  61. …will install an indoor hammock in my apartment.
  62. …thinks it’s his responsibility to pay for half of my birth control prescription.
  63. …can make his penis wave.
  64. …doesn’t have an evil side that only comes out at the airport when we’re traveling somewhere together.
  65. …does that thing where he holds my face when we make out sometimes.
  66. …loves my mom and my brother.
  67. …doesn’t overdo it with the Throwback Thursday photos on Instagram.
  68. …is prepared for the zombie apocalypse.
  69. …helps old people across the street and parents carry strollers up the stairs.
  70. …never takes the elevator to the second floor and will exchange a low-profile eye roll with me when someone else does.
  71. …doesn’t respond to IMs or texts with one word responses like “sure” or “okay.”
  72. …understands there are three sides to the bed — my side, his side, and Lucca’s side, and that’s that.
  73. …when in doubt, just gives me a gift card to Madewell.
  74. …does NOT own a garlic press because they are stupid and wasteful.
  75. …has a passion that he pursues, in some way.
  76. …thinks Valentine’s Day is a bullshit made up corporate holiday that very few people actually care about, but will still do something nice for the occasion anyway.
  77. …has peony season noted in his calendar.
  78. …never ever ever votes Republican.
  79. …is not threatened by my Pinterest Boyfriends Board, but does look to it for beard-grooming inspiration.
  80. …does not know what thigh gap is, and when I tell him, responds with “meh.”
  81. …agrees to send me to space camp should he ever win a large sum of money.
  82. …likes the way I smell at any given time of day.
  83. …can tune and teach me to play my ukelele.
  84. …is kind.
  85. …asks me questions about my family and shares stories about his.
  86. …isn’t weird about how my dad died.
  87. …thinks my remedial understanding of even basic geography is adorable.
  88. …has no food allergies.
  89. …shares my dishwasher loading philosophy.
  90. …would not only never defend Woody Allen, but calls out those that do.
  91. …will drop everything to move to LA with me (when I decide it’s time to move to LA).
  92. …listens to hip hop.
  93. …appreciates but doesn’t take advantage of how loyal I am.
  94. …is secretly a superhero.
  95. …makes an effort to recycle.
  96. …tans well.
  97. …always tips, even when the service isn’t good, because he understands good people have off days.
  98. …doesn’t judge me for the amount of unread emails in my inbox.
  99. …has a mixture of high brow and low brow taste in pop culture and entertainment.
  100. …loves me for exactly who I am, silly 100-point checklist and all.