6 Ways You Should NOT Treat Yourself On Valentine’s Day (And Better, Less Tragic Alternatives)

how-not-to-treat-yourself-valentines-day

Being single on Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck. I’m a firm believer in treating myself to something nice when other couples are hiding engagement rings in food and making oogly eyes across the pre-fixe dinner table. But do not be mistaken: sometimes the one thing you think will make you feel better will leave you you crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. You know…so I’ve heard.

Here’s how NOT to treat yourself this February 14th (and some alternative options)…

DO NOT: Purchase Something Ridiculously Expensive

If I don’t have a boyfriend to buy a present for, I might as well buy myself this new Gucci bag, right? WRONG. This is a terrible fucking idea. Just because you didn’t buy someone a present doesn’t mean you should blow your wad on something out of your price range, leaving you in debt, living paycheck-to-paycheck and crying many salty tears into that beautiful Gucci bag.

DO: Buy Yourself Something Reasonably Priced

If you’ve had your eye on something that’s fun and practical, now’s the time to buy it. If it’s practical, you won’t feel as guilty about your purchase, and if it’s fun, you have not bought something that will make you cry. Like, for example, a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” is a poor choice. A hula hoop, on the other hand, is a fantastic decision.

DO NOT: Have A Rom-Com Movie Marathon

Romantic comedies have the word “romantic” in them for a reason. At some point during the film, you will start ignoring the comedy part and focus on the romantic part. I don’t care if Will Smith is in it. You will end up sulking, unable to take your eyes off of the unrealistic love story, wondering why that can’t be you. Your night will not be fun. This also goes for any and all romance movies, sans the comedy part. “The Notebook,” is strictly forbidden.

DO: Have a Movie Marathon With Any Other Genre Movie

Nothing says Valentine’s Day like horror flicks. Perhaps the perfect way to rid you of your single sorrows is by watching “Psycho,” “Friday The 13th,” and that crappy “scary” movie with Paris Hilton. If you’re nervous you’ll get too scared and long for a companion, opt for action flicks. Liam Neeson, Bruce Willis and Vin Diesel can be your Valentines.

DO NOT: Send Yourself Flowers

Sure, flowers are lovely, but sending them to yourself is kind of sad, don’t you think? Ordering yourself roses will remind you that you had to order yourself roses. Don’t do it.

DO: Buy Yourself Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Buying yourself something yummy is totally acceptable and encouraged. Instead of watching the flowers you sent yourself wilt on your coffee table for weeks, chocolate covered strawberries must be eaten quickly, and you’re just the person for the job. This is a win-win.

DO NOT: Binge…On Anything 

Several times, I’ve made the mistake of ordering in on Valentine’s Day and “treating myself” to a feast for one. I’m single, therefore I can order buffalo wings, pizza, french fries, a burger, a milkshake and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken if I damn well please. And why not have a few bottles of wine while I’m at it? Oh, that’s right…because I will spend the night doubled over, feeling guilty and hugging the porcelain throne until I begin to wish for the sweet, sweet release of death.

DO: Cook Yourself Something Yummy

I don’t know about you, but whenever I cook or bake something, I feel pretty freakin’ accomplished. I savor each bite a little bit more, and it’s usually cheaper than take out. You are single and you are I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T! Besides, you can add always some booze (if you wish) into your food; think beer-battered shrimp, Jack Daniels-glazed burgers and anything with a wine reduction. Yum.

DO NOT: Go Out By Yourself 

I’m talking about dinner, bars, the movies, whatever. Just don’t do it. Seeing happy couples everywhere is a total buzzkill.

DO: Spend Time With Friends & Family (Or a Date!)

If you’re not in a relationship, get together with your friends, family members or other loved ones to spend some quality time together. Have a game night indoors or do something that’s romance-free, like bowling, laser tag or shopping. If you’re feeling adventurous, dust off your online dating profile and go on a date. 

DO NOT: Call Up An Ex For Valentine’s Day Sex

THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA THAT WILL END BADLY.

DO: Indulge In Self-Love

Take your vibrator (or right hand) for a spin downtown. Watch porn, read erotica, or do something new that leaves you feeling good and guilt-free. Orgasms release endorphins and endorphins make us happy. Done and done.

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