An Inner Monologue While Watching The Olympics At A Sports Bar And Eating Parmesan Garlic Fries

I feel that the Olympics are best viewed while eating greasy foods and questioning the life choices that kept you from being an Olympian, which is why I’m now at a sports bar eating parmesan garlic fries. I rarely go to sports bars or eat fries in my normal life, but this is a special occasion. It’s my duty to my country. I wonder how these fries would taste dipped in mayonnaise. Oh my God. So good. I can’t believe I used to judge the mayo fry kids in elementary school. Those kids knew what was up.

Yay! Commercials are finally over and we’re back to the games. Ooh it’s the bumpy skiing race! I know it has a different, more official-sounding name, but I don’t even really want to know it. “Bumpy skiiing race” sums it up so nicely.

Just watching this makes my knees hurt. Let’s see…why did I never become an Olympic ski racer. Well, first of all, it seems cold. I don’t really like moving downhill at high speeds. I’m very protective of my knees. I’ve never skiied before in my life. Yeah, this isn’t the sport for me. Plus, if I ever attempted skiiing on one of these bumpy courses, I’d probably stop halfway through, trudge back up the hill, and ask someone if they could smooth it out a bit. Those bumps just seem so unnecessary.

These are, like, really good fries. Nice crunch and a perfect blend of seasonings — is that thyme? Yeah, I think it’s thyme — and the garlic isn’t overpowering. Might need a refill on these.

Speed skating is next! My favorite. I definitely have the appropriate size thighs for this one, and I did used to tear up the local skating rink on my rollerblades in 7th grade. Plus, it’s indoors. Damnit, now I’m actually having a tinge of regret that I never became an Olympic speed skater. Sigh. Must add to list of “Things To Blame My Parents For Not Making Me Do.” Would it have really been that hard to strap some blades to my feet and toss me out on the ice, MOM? I could have won gold! Or at least made headlines for falling and tripping one of the skaters that was actually good.

Oh well, you can’t change the past now, I suppose. Although maybe I could put my near-constant viewings of “Cool Runnings” throughout my childhood to good use and go out for the bobsledding team in 2018? I could be like Sanka. The brake man. Hey, it could happen. When is bobsledding gonna be on?

In the meantime, I need more mayo.