Valentine’s Day sex: you’re not doing it right if one of you doesn’t end up in in the hospital, or with a minor injury at the very least. Not that we want anyone dead, but according to every Lady Mag, any respectable V-Day session ends with a house-rattling orgasm and the battle scars to match. Regular, old oral sex and vanilla lovemaking in the missionary position just doesn’t cut it for sexiest holiday of the year. It doesn’t matter if that’s how you and your partner usually get off. That’s totally irrelevant. On Valentine’s Day, there must be lingerie, there must be vibrating sex toys, there must be gourmet chocolate in every body orifice, there must be experimentation with gravity-defying positions. Think of it as an opportunity to use your most extreme skills, like you are competing in the sexual olympics. This year, with a little help, you could take the gold. Here are some DO’s and DON’Ts for the wild, V-Day sex that Cosmo insists you should be having.
1. DO buy accoutrements. As we said, you need props for your crazy, Valentine’s Day show. We’re talking lingerie, heart-shaped butt plugs, sex swings, ramps, trampolines, feather shoes, chocolate handcuffs, the works! Think, “Priscilla Queen Of The Desert.”
2. DON’T stop if you experience a minor injury. This is not a regular Friday night. This is Valentine’s Day, so pull up your big girl, crotchless panties and get on with your sexual gymnastics.
3. DO have a first-aid kit nearby. Because if you’re doing V-Day sex right, you’re gonna need ace bandages, alcohol wipes and antibiotic ointment.
4. DON’T eat too much for dinner. Like a champ, carbo load the night before for extra endurance and eat light on game day. Especially if you’re doing heavy anal. And you should be. This is the big leagues.
5. DO try one of these impossible sex positions. Worst thing that happens? You have to bust open the first-aid kit because you tried to do the Fire Hydrant and fell on your head and now you need a bandaid. Big whoop.
6. DON’T forget protection. You can still get pregnant on Valentine’s Day. Unless getting pregnant is part of your wild V-Day sex plan.
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