Taking It Off: A Semi-NSFW Guide For Men On How To Dress And Undress For Maximum Sex Appeal (In GIFs)
Sure, getting dressed and undressed is second nature to pretty much everyone. We do it multiple times every day, why would men in particular need some sort of tutorial? Because, my friends, I recently realized that while there is no explicitly wrong way to get dressed and undressed, there is a decisively sexier way, especially before and after you get down. So, gentleman, if you want to reach peak sex appeal the next time you take off your shirt or pull on your pants, follow these rules, presented in GIFs of course. (Gotta have somethin’ for the ladies to look at…)
How To Take Off … A Pullover Shirt Or Sweater
DO: Grasp the collar and pull your head through first, then your arms.
DO: Toss that annoying sweater aside, all casual-like? You ain’t got time for sweaters.
Tom Wlaschiha does this move well. Sure, it probably stretches the shirt out, but this is a guide to undressing sexy, not “undressing to maintain the structural purity of your garments.”
This is literally the sexiest way to take off your shirt and you can even do it while you’re running!
DO: Alternatively, pull your shirt off by grasping the bottom hem. If you’re fond of your armpits, this is the move for you.
How To Put On … A Pullover Shirt Or Sweatshirt
DO: Put your arms through the holes first, before pulling over your head. This is the hottest way to put on a shirt. I don’t know why. It just is.
Head first, arms second can be sexy too. Be sure to flex!
How To Take Off … A Button-Up Shirt
DO: Unbutton slowly — but not too slowly! — and maintain eye contact while you’re doing it.
DON’T: Pull your shirt open like Superman. Because you’re not Superman. And that’s made abundantly clear when you do this.
How To Take Off … A Tie
DO: Yank it off sort of angrily, like the pressures of a capitalist society have been strangling you all day, but you are still down to fuck, dammit.
How To Take Off … Pants
DO: Unzip with confidence and remain standing while you pull off the pants, one leg at a time.
DON’T: Be afraid to run your hands down your legs when you pull off your pants. You have nice legs and they are soft. Touch them. Let’s see that one more time, Ryan Gosling. Yessss!
DON’T: Tear off your pants like a stripping magician who’s hiding a pesky pair of shorts underneath. Unless you are David Copperfield and underneath the shorts is a LION.
DON’T: Shimmy! If you’re pants are so tights that they only peel off a centimeter at a time, you need bigger pants, not more patience from the person you’re undressing for.
DON’T: Slowwwwwwly drop your pants as if you’re about to reveal what’s behind Door #1 on “The Price Is Right,” especially if that something is flaccid and you’re biting your lip trying to be sexy.
DO: Decide what you’re taking off first and stick to it. This guy has his jacket half off and he’s already starting on his pants? Confusion and asymmetry are not sexy.
DON’T: Look so frightened. No matter what you’re packing underneath those pants, be confident.
How To Put On … Pants
DO: Point your ass in our direction when you hike your pants up over dat tight booty. It’s the kind thing to do.
DON’T: Stay seated while you pull on your pants — you’re giving us a limited view! Why are you ashamed of your butt? You should not be ashamed of your butt! No one should be ashamed of their butt!
DO: Spend a little time fingering that low-slung waistband. (Even the words “low-slung waistband” is a panty-dropper.)
DON’T: Fall. Falling is funny, and funny is hot, but unless you’re going for funny hot, don’t fall.
As for the underwear? At this point, all bets are off. Drop ‘em, stud.