Superlatives: 2014 Super Bowl Commercials

I don’t know much — or care much — about football, but I know enough to say that last night’s Super Bowl was a major letdown. For Broncos fans especially, of course, but watching one team get tarred and feathered is eventually boring for everyone. In between watching the Seahawks wipe the floor with Sad Peyton Manning’s team, there were, of course, the extremely expensive, highly anticipated COMMERCIALS. So, did they at least bring their A-game? Let’s review some of the highlights, high school superlative-style…

Best Use Of Nostalgia: Radio Shack

Second Best Use Of Nostalgia/Most Pleasing Appearance By A Man Bulge: Dannon Oikos

Most Likely To Piss Off Ignorant Racists: Coca-Cola

Second Most Likely To Piss Off Ignorant Racists: Cheerios

Most Squee-Inducing: Budweiser

Most Likely To Bring A Tear To Your Eye:

Best Display Of Awesome Girl Power: GoldieBlox

Most Depressing Cameo By A Rock Hero Totally Selling Out: Chrysler

Least Likely To Have Any Impact On World Peace Or Your Appreciation For Men Who Use Axe: Axe

Cutest Ad About Animals Getting Laid: Chevy

Worst 90-Second Sequel To “Beasts Of The Southern Wild”: Maserati

Most Muscular: Go Daddy

Best Use Of A ’00s Singer-Songwriter: Audi

Worst Use Of Lawrence Fishburne: Kia

Most Random Appearance By A Former Governor: Bud Light

Best Example That Anna Kendrick Improves EVERYTHING: Newcastle

Best Use Of Space: GoPro

Most Clever: SquareSpace

Most Likely To Actually Make You Hungry For A Yogurt: Chobani