We’ve all been there: you’re at the gynecologist’s office, spread eagle in stirrups, when in walks the doctor and you’re suddenly feeling like you miiiight have to fart. Or worse, you feel a queef comin’ on. You wonder to yourself, How often does she actually get queefed on? It HAS to happen, right? So you spend the rest of your visit getting felt up and making small talk about your career ambitions, when really, all you want to do is ask about the queefing. But that’s just the tip of the inappropriate iceberg.
If you haven’t wanted to ask any of these 10 questions while getting pap smeared at the gyno, you’re probably lying…
1. How many people is too many people? If they’re going to ask you about your sexual history, they should at least provide some sort of bar graph or pie chart with other peoples’ answers so you know which number to aim for.
2. Did I miss a spot? Shaving down there is like trying to ski on every square inch of a mountain. Do me a solid and let me know if I have any weird patches or stray hairs I should take care of later on. K, thanks.
3. Do I smell funny? I showered and washed and whatnot, but does my vag lose its freshness after a couple of hours? You’re the only one besides my boyfriend who goes down to vagina town, so tell me what you smell so I know what he smells.
4. How attractive is my vagina? Be honest. On a scale of one to ten, how roast beefy am I compared to your other patients and the general vagina population? Do you think my privates are pretty? If so, please explain why.
5. How often do people queef on you? I know it happens. You know it happens. Let’s just talk about it like adults.
6. Do I have birthing hips? Because if you answer “yes,” I will feel less petrified about eventually having to shove something the size of a watermelon out of something that’s the size of a lime. Also, that’s something to brag about. Oh, you got a promotion? Well, I have birthing hips, bitch … so there.
7. Can you please confirm that’s an ingrown hair? It’s bumpy and on my lady parts, so please tell me it’s not herpes. Let’s just get in the habit of letting me know immediately. “JUST AN INGROWN, NO NEED TO PANIC!”
8. Is it normal for my boobs to fall into my armpits when I lie down? It’s like I have magnets on my back. This happens during sex, too, so please tell me I’m not the only one.
9. Can you tell if I’m doing my kegels? This is a fair question. When I go to the gym, I want to see the results of my hard work. The same goes for my pelvic floor, so it better look nice and tight up there.
10. Are you judging me? As long as you don’t leave the room and say to the nurses, “You should have SEEN that vagina,” I’m actually okay with it.