An Inner Monologue While Coughing All Night

I have barely coughed at all today, which means I’m almost done with this horrific cold, which means it shouldn’t be a big deal that I forgot to buy cough medicine and now all the stores are closed. I’m just going to lie down and fall right to sleep and wake up totally refreshed.


No. No, no, no, no, no, no, noooooo.

I know I think this every time I have a bad cough that keeps me awake, but this is the worst cough I’ve ever had. At the risk of sounding like a guy, it’s possibly the worst cough anyone has ever had. I can barely catch my breath between coughing fits. Each cough rattles the entire bed and echos off the wall. They could do a TLC documentary about me right now. “The Girl Who Couldn’t Stop Coughing.” I would watch that.

Look at my non-sick boyfriend sleeping peacefully while I suffer. He’s even doing that subtle smile thing that people do when they’re having a great sleep and pleasant dreams about edible marshmallow clouds. I hate him. Oh my God, how could I ever think I hate my boyfriend? Maybe this is why I’m still coughing. I’m being punished for being a horrible person. Seriously though how is he sleeping through this?

I have three cough drops left, which will maybe last me through the night if I ration them. But you’re not supposed to suck on cough drops in bed, right? Because you might fall asleep and choke to death? Honestly, choking to death sounds kind of awesome compared to this endless coughing, so I’m gonna go for it. Must not tell my mom.

Hmm … cough drop not working. This cough is too much for these all-natural hippie cough drops I bought. I’m all for honey and lemon but this cough calls for the big guns: I need whatever that ingredient is that meth cooks are into. And also maybe some kind of acid to burn out lungs and start fresh. These “chamomile extract” lozenges are a fucking joke. My cough is laughing in their faces. Can coughs laugh? Do cough drops have faces? I’m so tired.

I’ve been coughing for 3 hours straight. No respite in sight. My head hurts. My lungs ache. The tickle in my throat is relentless, so much so that “tickle” seems much too cute a word for it.

It’s 4 a.m. now. I’m still coughing. And now I’m afraid I might get murdered, too. For some reason I’ve always thought of 4AM as the most likely time to get murdered, like all the serial killers in the neighborhood watch their analog clocks tick from 3:59 to 4:00, grab their axes and say, “Well, time to do some murderin’.” I hate being awake at 4AM for this exact reason. By 5 I feel safe, but the entire 4 o’clock hour freaks me out, and it sucks extra bad when I’m coughing. If a murderer did break in, I’d have no chance of hiding. My disgusting hacking cough would give me away instantly. Plus, I’m weak from lack of sleep, and I couldn’t scream because my throat feels like ground beef. I’m like the perfect victim right now. Come on in, murderers, and get me while the killin’ is good!

Must look on the bright side to distract myself from anxiety and severe throat pain. Is there a bright side to being up all night with a cough? Maybe my voice will be raspy tomorrow and I’ll sound like Demi Moore when I wake up. If I wake up, I mean, because I’m about to pop another weak-ass cough drop and try to fall asleep. Here’s to dreams of Demi Moore, edible marshmallow clouds, and maybe a kindly ax murderer willing to put me out of my misery.


[Photo of sick woman in bed via Shutterstock