Like clockwork, the new year begins and just like that—BAM!—the Grammy Awards have snuck up on us like Beyoncé’s surprise album. This Sunday’s star-studded show will, no doubt, be full of awesome performances, fierce fashion and lots of censor “beeps,” but there are a few things we, at the Frisky, would LOVE to have happen when the cameras are rolling … you know, to spice things up a bit.
In no particular order, here they are…
1. Harry Styles and Kendall Jenner simultaneously flip off Taylor Swift.
2. When the aforementioned occurs, Taylor Swift is so stunned, she forgets how to make her “shocked face.”
3. A non-racist performance from Katy Perry.
4. Miley Cyrus wears something conservative and does not reveal her ass or her tongue at any point during the show. None of this, please:
5. Beyoncé and Jay-Z perform “Drunk In Love” together, because DUH. Gimme dat stank face!
6. Lorde spouts off to E! about how the music industry is total bullshit, then says something feminist and awesome during an acceptance speech, like the millennial Fiona Apple that she is.
7. Taylor Swift’s Red is removed from the “Country Album” category, because WTF? (Bonus points if T-Swift wears a lipstick color other than crimson.)
8. Lady Gaga brings out R.Kelly for a performance, and instead points to him and says, “This guy is a fucking rapist and a pedophile and I’m never going to work with him again, and neither should anyone else in this room.” *mic drop*
9. Justin Timberlake tells the world he’s going to have a Timber-baby with Jessica Biel, and asks Jimmy Fallon to be the Godfather.
10. Justin Bieber’s entire photo library from his confiscated cell phone is shown via slideshow … and then he gets egged.
11. Ray-J gets on stage and sings “I Hit It First” while looking directly at Kanye West.
12. LL Cool J hosts the entire show with his shirt off, with frequent pauses to lick his lips. I mean…
13. Actually, can Amy Poehler and Tina Fey host too?
14. John Mayer plans a secret proposal for Katy Perry while Britney Spears serenades them with a ballad version of “Womanizer.”
15. Someone handcuffs Chris Brown to the toilet and he’s never to be seen again.
16. Sara Bareilles calls out Katy Perry for stealing “Brave” out from under her.
17. Lupita Nyong’o crashes the red carpet, stealing everyone else’s thunder.
18. Lady Gaga shows up with Donatella Versace and they announce they’re lesbian lovers.
19. Kendrick Lamar, A$AP Rocky, 2 Chainz and Drake perform “Fuckin’ Problems” and the entire audience has to drink every time they say the F-bomb. (Take an extra shot if Taylor Swift is spotted awkwardly dancing during the performance.)
20. Lance Bass and Snoop Dogg perform their new duet, using the exact choreography from Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s VMAs performance.