Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me.
Not trying to one up you here. I just meant to say that I admire your ingenuity in posting a Craigslist ad for “someone with a 4 wheel drive vehicle to come pick [your] drunk ass up, take [you] to the Taco Bell drive-thru, and drive you back home.” And how sweet of you to offer to pay in tacos. But most impressive: that you eventually found a way to get your tacos. According to Reddit, where you appeared to reveal your identity, you sobered up, drove yourself to Taco Bell and ended the evening “nursing a taco baby.” Actually, I already have a boyfriend, but I needed to let you know that I admire your passion, determination and single-minded focus on satisfying your food cravings. I’ve behaved similarly for cupcakes.