When it comes to sex, there are certain things you can never be prepared for. Like, the first time a man unpacks the goods and you see something you really weren’t prepared for down there. Are his balls the size of grapefruits or is his penis just really tiny? Every penis is unique, but some are more unique than others. It’s important, no matter what he’s packing, to keep a poker face and not reveal your glee that you seem to have stumbled upon the world’s most perfect cockpiece or disappointment at the fact that his dick is about as thin as a pencil. We don’t want you to get caught with your pants down. Well, we do, but we just want you to be prepared when he takes his pants down. Be forewarned, if you’re single for long enough, you’re likely to meet the following penises…
1. The shape-shifter. This penis might illicit major confusion in the getting-to-know stage. You’ll feel it hard and think, OK. Cool. We’re not dealing with a micropeen situation, and then you’ll see the thing flaccid and you’ll be like, Oh wait, maybe we are. As many of us know, some guys are growers and some guys are showers, this guy is on the extreme end of grower spectrum, which is an incredible phenomenon, but ultimately, no big deal unless he has trouble getting or staying hard.
2. The crooked and/or leaning dick. When you first see this Leaning Tower of Penis, you may find yourself cocking (heh) your head in the same direction, unsure of how things are going to work. And thankfully things will work, just fine too, but certain angles will feel better than others. Sex with a crooked or leaning dick sometimes feels a little unbalanced, like when you’re holding too many heavy bags of groceries in one hand. But it can also be great, as you discover angles and positions that allow his crooked member to hit spots other dicks could only dream of reaching. Yes, a crooked dick is a dick worth getting to know before you judge.
3. The unmemorable penis. What is there to say about this guy? We wish we could tell you, but we don’t remember any details.
4. The penis that will bring you to tears. At least once in your life, you’re bound to shed tears when a man drops trou. Hopefully it will be because you found the Goldilocks of perfect dicks, but more likely, it will be because his penis is the size of a bicycle pump and the thought of putting THAT in your vagina is a horror you were never told to prepared for. Tell him you have some “emotional problems” going on and give yourself some time to work up the chutzpah to try to get that thing in there. Or just listen to your cervix and give up the dream.
5. The practically perfect in every way. Of course, the perfect prick is subjective depending on your taste, but you’ll know it when you see it because ever fiber in your loins will quiver. This penis, in all it’s glory, will make you do all sorts of crazy things just to get one more minute with it. This will be particularly problematic considering the owner of this Holy Cock will know the value of what he’s packing and that will ensure that he’s a total prick. Life’s unfair like that.
6. The number 2. At first you’ll think you accidentally left your Number 2 pencil in bed, but then you’ll peel back the comforter and realize that it’s just some man’s too-slim-to-be-true penis. You’ll have to mask your disappointment because the pencil peen is the least exciting to a vagina — even when it’s rock hard. At best, the vibe will be hotdog-like, at worst, like a tiny, bullet vibrator that doesn’t vibrate. The good news: he’ll be very eager to make up for his string bean in other areas.
7. The sensitive penis. This guy is just so moody. A glimpse of you in your birthday suit makes him instantly chubby and rarin’ to go. But his sensitive temperament also causes him to go soft or blow his load with little to no warning. Your best shot at taming this high maintenance beast is by getting to know its moods and being aware of which buttons to push and which ones to avoid.
8. The penis wearing a hoodie. If you’re in any other country but America, seeing the uncircumcised dick on this list is probably inspiring a bit of a DUH moment. The Hoodied Penis abounds outside the U.S. and is rapidly gaining favor within our own 50 states as more and more parents over the last decade plus have embraced their babies’ foreskins. In short, so should you. Sure, an uncut dick looks a little funny and wrinkly and freshy upon first meeting, but after some foreplay, he stands proud as his turtleneck rolls down. Best of all, that extra skin creates more friction, which feels better for you. Viva la hoodie!
9. The short, fat slut. If Annie from “Overboard” had a penile representation, this would be it. You kind of want to tell this penis to stand up straight, suck in it’s gut and go on a juice cleanse. But alas, short and stubby he’ll stay. At least this stocky penis will be easier to feel than the pencil-thin one that made less of an impression than your “lite-days” tampon.
[Photo from Shutterstock]