It’s cold and flu season, which means that either you, the person you’re sleeping with, or both of you are probably sick with some manner of plague right now. There are few things less sexy than snot, sneezing, headaches, and coughing fits, but even so, when you’re confined to your bed for days, and you’ve tired of naps and TV marathons, you’re going to get horny. It’s just a fact of life. Even more so when you and your partner are sick in bed together — at some point the memories of the healthy sex you once had with each other is going to outweigh how disgusting you feel, and you’ll find yourselves humping out of instinct. Here’s how to make the most fun and the least snot when you have sick sex…
1. DON’T try to give a blowjob with a stuffy nose because you will suffocate.
2. DO try doggy style to avoid having to look at each other’s red, snotty, cold-medicine-drunk faces.
3. DON’T sneeze into your lady’s vagina or your man’s ballsack. If you feel like you might blow snot at any second, skip the 69ing altogether.
4. DO make like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” and don’t kiss on the mouth.
5. DON’T forget to keep a box of tissues nearby so that if you do sneeze or get snot on your partner, you can wipe it up without totally killing the mood.
6. DO have an orgasm because it acts as a natural decongestant, headache reliever and sleep aid.
7. DO enjoy a post-sex snack of hot chicken noodle soup,
8. DON’T get rough. Jackhammering will turn a feverish headache into a splitting migraine.
9. DO take non-drowsy cough syrup at least 30 minutes before you get going. Nothing ruins the mood like a phlegmy coughing fit while you’re pumping away.
10. DO try it in the shower so the steam (both literal and figurative) can help soothe your congestion.
11. DON’T get offended if he can’t stay hard for long or you can’t climax. Remember, your genitals are feeling sickly too. At least you tried!