Authorities in Philly are hard at work trying to track down “a heavyset white man estimated to be in his late 40s or early 50s” known as the “Swiss Cheese Pervert.” The man allegedly “approaches women while driving a silver or black sedan with his genitals exposed. He then displays a piece of sliced Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to put the cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him using it.”
To make matters worse, in addition to the “several women” who have been propositioned for swiss cheese hand jobs, a 19-year-old local woman named Gabby Chest has come forward claiming that the same man contacted her on OK Cupid. Chest claims that he sent a lewd message asking her to perform a similar act of swiss cheese masturbation:
“I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more…That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.”
They should set a giant mousetrap for him because that is disgusting.