An Open Letter To Publicist Behind Healthy HooHoo Premium Feminine Care Products

Hi, Publicist Who Sent Us A Press Release About Healthy HooHoo Premium Feminine Care Products!

Thanks for the heads up about how to shower our “most precious parts with these soft and gentle wipes.” And by “most precious parts,” you mean our hoohoos.  One thing — is “hoohoo” the name of my vagina? Because it is also the name of my grandmother on my dad’s side, and this could get confusing. If it’s OK with you, I’ll refer to the products by a less disrespectful name, the East River Ferry.

Anyway, I did have a few other queries about your premium line of innovative gal pal accessories. Here goes:

  • Have these been tested in space and/or zero gravity? Because my vag is another world.
  • I see that these products are gluten-free and vegan — is there a Paleo version available? I get very hungry around that time of the month.
  • I already have a lot of gal pal vaginal accessories, but could use some feisty gay-BFF accessories. Are there plans to broaden your line?
  • How do your products compare competitors like Perfect Privates, Dainty Downstairs, and Purell: Snatch Edition?
  • Can the moist towelettes absorb tears?
  • Is the second “h” silent?
  • Are your products silent?
  • If my pH levels get out of balance, will I fall over? Is there a warranty for this?
  • What is the most pHuckable pH?
  • While I do enjoy gentle wipes, I am often in the mood to be dominated by my wipes. Do you have anything a little more hardcore?
  • Are there any upcoming opportunities to feature these products under my arms?
  • Is there anything you’d like to say today about disrespectful body wipes?
  • Must I add water to the wash? I fear my underpants will get wet.
  • Should I wipe front to back, back to front, or side to side in front of a funhouse mirror?
  • Are the wipes warmer than room temperature? Because I don’t think I’d like that.
  • Can the wipes be used as toilet paper and makeup removing towelettes in a pinch?
  • Are these precious wipes transferable as currency?
  • Does this work as well as Plan B? I mean, is it cheaper?
  • Is the East River Ferry suitable for use on my husband’s most precious parts?
  • Will anyone be able to tell I am using the East River Ferry?
  • Will I smell like the East River Ferry?
  • Am I still a virgin if I have used the East River Ferry?
  • Do you have a punchcard?
  • What if I love my vagina but hate my boyfriend? Should I still use these products?
  • My vagina didn’t used to smell. What changed?
  • Where is the ideal place to store my vagina foam?
  • Can I get a foaming wash that looks away or makes pleasant conversation while it goes about its work? I’m shy.
  • How can I tell if my vagina prefers foam wash to the non-foam wash? Last time I asked it a question, it said to “try again later,” and then when I tried again later it said I was too old to ask.
  • Do I need to wait 24 hours after a perm to use the shampoo?
  • Sometimes it looks like my hoohoo, I mean the East River ferry, is frowning. Does that mean it’s unhealthy, or just a bit tired?
  • Will my vag still smell freshly-fucked like I want it to? I hate to brag with my mouth…
  • What should I do if I lose the foaming shampoo?
  • Can I use the portable wipes while moving?
  • If I’m at the club, and everybody’s sweating, and this guy keeps looking at me from across the club, and the music is like really risqué, and I’m like, “OMG GUY, why aren’t you coming over here?!” and then I do my best dance move, and then he FINALLY comes over here, should I fuck him?
  • Do you make your products in pink, or just blue? I find the packaging distastefully progressive.
  • Does “The Wolf of Wall Street” glorify Jordan Belfort?
  • I like to replace my vaginal flora once a week — do you have anything stronger?
  • Do you ship to menstruation huts?
  • If I do yoga but I don’t try very hard, would you still recommend your products?
  • Does your target demographic speak solely in outdated euphemisms?
  • Have your products been endorsed by owls?
  • Do you have anything for buttholes?

Thank you for your kind attention to these matters,

Janet Manley and Emily Winter

Follow Emily Winter on Twitter here and Janet Manley on Twitter here.