Someday I will sit down and write a book about all of the ridiculous auditions I went on when I was an actress. I will fill pages and pages about my most humiliating experiences — like, the time there was a dog in the room and it was sniffing my crotch while I did a scene about being stranded on an icy mountain or the time one of the producers stopped me in the middle of an audition for a part described as a “slutty bitch” to tell me that my mom was his second grade teacher.
The world will read my stories and weep and weep and young people will never dream of becoming actors ever again. But until then, let’s all scroll through the next best thing, a Tumblr called Casting Call Woe, created and curated by actress Miss L, whose mission is to “anonymously tweet about the ridiculousness of the acting world.” The blog quotes actual project descriptions, “sides” or scripts, and “character breakdowns,” as they call them in the biz. I can tell you first hand that casting notices are reliably sexist, racist, ageist and absurd. Below, a few of the my favorites from the blog. I will vouch and say that sound 100 percent realistic.
“He could be summed up as a loud harmless fart.”
“Her nether regions are shown to be made of steel wool Brillo pads.”
“Must be able to accurately portray sexual facial expressions.”
“Hi, I’m a film student making a project for college and I’m looking for someone who can eat fire while back flipping over midgets and then tap dance to Irish folk-metal, you can be any height and any gender.
P.S I am also looking for midgets or just very, short people (4’6 and under)
Also if you are obese you may be of use too.”
“She is out to replace all men with the giant dildo she has built in the City of London.”
“Actress will be filmed from behind so it looks like she has a penis.”
“She begins fucking his nose and chin.”
“All she’s interested in is sex & developing her psychic powers.”
“A sinister (yet friendly) Nazi sympathiser. ”
“Slim with tear drop breasts.”
“If you have low self-esteem then I strongly urge you to apply.”