Best Drunken Public Transportation Fight Devolves Into Penis/Vagina Insults

As tends to happen when people drink and ride public transportation during the holiday season, fights break out. It’s unclear how this brawl between these two potty-mouthed passengers on the Long Island Rail Road began, but it doesn’t really matter how it started (apparently the drunk man was yelling while the woman was on the phone with her kids), it’s far more important how it ended: with the hurling of genital-related insults. After the jump, an abbreviated transcript of the fight. Take notes for the next time you get in a drunken public transpo kerfuffle and don’t have any zingers at the ready.

Woman: You know what your problem is? Small penis complex.

Man: You’re pretty funny, you know.

Woman: You got small hands, you’ve got small penis.

Some incoherent stuff about being Irish.

Woman: I can probably solve your problem because I have a small pussy compared to your small penis. Hey, small penis. I’ll call you four-inch killer. Have a nice holiday, four-inch killer.

Man: You’re so funny.

Woman: Why don’t you show us your penis? Why don’t you show us the truth?

Man: You’re so funny.

Woman: I am so funny and you’re not … You’ve got a four-inch killer that you’re laughing about … that we’re all laughing about. That’s why the quarter-inch killer talks: to be heard because his penis can’t be heard. The penis don’t make a sound so the voice has to. You want to be a big man? Show your penis.

Sorry to disappoint you, but the four-inch killer does not drop trou. Before he has the chance to be a big man, another female passenger asks for a cease and desist on the penis talk and the drunk woman calls her “big pussy.”

You can watch the denouement below. [Gawker]