We always have high hopes for the romantic and sexual potential of the holidays. Snow is falling, fires are burning (both literally and figuratively), and we’re ready to get it on! Sadly though, like so many other aspects of the holidays, the reality of our yuletide hookups often looks much, much different than our expectations, and not in a good way. Let’s break down the divergence of fantasy and reality in painfully graphic detail, shall we?
The Festive Fuck:
Expectation: You dress up in sexy red Mrs. Claus lingerie and let him bang you with a candy cane dildo.
Reality: You give him a handjob under an afghan on the couch while falling asleep to “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
The Sexy Sleigh Ride
Expectation: You go for a sleigh ride in the snow. He kisses you in the moonlight, then takes you to a candle-lit cabin and makes sweet and gentle love to you on a bear skin rug.
Reality: The sleigh ride smells like horse shit, but the subtle vibration makes you horny, so when you get off the sleigh, he pulls your pants down and rubs his erection on your butt for a few seconds.
The After-Dinner Anal
Expectation: You finish dessert and go back to your place, where you’ve both decided to try anal play as a naughty little gift to each other.
Reality: You get distracted watching “A Christmas Story,” and realize you ate too much ham. He starts to fondle your butthole over your pajama pants but you have the most unbelievable gas and tell him he better stay away from that area for his own good.
The Twin Bed Tryst
Expectation: While staying at your parents’ house with your boyfriend, you sneak off on Christmas day and have a hot, quiet fuck on your childhood bed.
Reality: Your mom has ears like a wolf and the second you start grinding, one of the floor boards squeaks ever so slightly. Your mom calls your name accusingly from the other side of the house and you feel his boner shrivel inside of you.
The Hometown Hookup
Expectation: While you’re home for the holidays and finally single, you run into your high school boyfriend at the local watering hole. He’s hotter than ever. You have a few too many beers and sneak into the bathroom where he confesses that he’s been holding a torch for you for the last 10 years. He goes down on you and give you the best orgasm of your life.
Reality: While you’re home for the holidays and finally single, you run into your high school boyfriend at the local watering hole. You have a few too many beers and sneak into the bathroom, where he confesses that he has a girlfriend and she’s on her way to the bar, but he could still “lick your pussy a little” if you wanted. You slap him, storm out of the bathroom, and run into your 10th grade math teacher.
The Communion Quickie
Expectation: For some reason, mass has always put you in the mood. You know that it’s sick, but you can’t help it. Your partner knows this and now, by default, he gets all hot and bothered too when it’s time for Christmas eve service. You sneak out when everyone is getting communion and have a quick romp in the car.
Reality: Your godmother sees you and your guy sneaking out before taking communion and follows you. Ten minutes later, you’re topless in the backseat and she’s tapping on the glass.
The Baking Bang
Expectation: When you and your partner are tasked with making the Christmas cookies for the family holiday dinner, you think it will be a good opportunity to have spontaneous sex somewhere other than the bedroom. You wear your apron with nothing under it and demand that he cook naked. The flour and butter aren’t even blended before he bends you over the counter and fucks you from behind.
Reality: You have a mishap with the Kitchenaid mixer and batter sprays all over your body, which prompts him to try to awkwardly lick batter off your tits. You yell at him that it’s too risky to eat raw eggs and you both spend the rest of the afternoon baking in angry silence. Two days later your dad finds a pube in his peppermint shortbread.
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