Winona’s Grownup Letter To Santa
This holiday season, we’re all writing grownup letters to Santa. Here’s Jessica’s list, and now it’s Winona’s turn:
I really don’t mean to come off as unappreciative or demanding, but I have asked for a baby goat for the past, like, 20 years in a row and you have yet to deliver. What’s up with that? It’s causing a bit of a trust issue between us. Obviously this year the goat should be your #1 priority, both to restore my faith in you and because 2013 was a big year for goat GIFs that made me want one even more. But there are also a few other, slightly lower priority things I’d like to request…
- A celebrity sighting. Preferably Dolly Parton, Wynonna Judd, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Nettles, Connie Britton, or Luke Bryan. Ideally all of them hanging out together and looking for a new friend/bandmember.
- Musical ability. I have wanted to play the banjo forever, and now that I live in Nashville, my yearning is stronger than ever. I’m still slightly traumatized from my 6th grade saxophone teacher telling me I “didn’t have the jamming gene.” Can you imbue me with the gifts of rhythm, coordination, and quick fingers, pretty please? Thank you.
- This t-shirt.
- Self-control to not peel off ALL of my nail polish as soon as it chips slightly. It’s weird and gross and wreaks havoc on my nails.
- Confidence and love for my body exactly as it is.
- A weekend at Celine Dion’s house.
- Some kind of painless, free, high-speed teleportation system between Portland and Nashville so I can see my family more often without a 3-hour layover at Midway (shudder).
- Time and energy to paint, draw, and practice lettering to my heart’s content.
- For Hollywood to pull its head out of its perfectly sculpted ass and realize that women do, in fact, want to see movies and TV shows that feature strong, smart, sassy, complicated female characters.
- The ability to say “no” to things without immediately being racked with guilt. (Working on it, getting better, but could definitely use a lil’ help.)
- More compassion, openness, and love in the world. Less hate, fear, and shame.
- Oh! And can you also make sure my best friend visits Nashville and loves it so much she decides to move here, ideally right next door to me? Life dream status!
Thanks Santa! I’ll be waiting with bated breath for a baby goat to pop out of my chimney.