Pucker up, people! It’s Christmas time, which means some of you unfortunate folks are bound to find yourselves standing uncomfortably beneath the mistletoe with someone you’d rather not kiss. Thankfully for you, we’ve compiled a list of awkward, yet realistic, mistletoe scenarios, from bosses to bad breath, and how you should proceed when you find yourself beneath that sprig of branches and berries with a strange mouth coming at you.
SITUATION #1: You just ate tuna fish, onion dip, eggs or another foul-smelling food.
The Solution: Say “We can only kiss if you agree to have some of this delicious [insert food you ate here]. ” If they do it, give them a smooch. If not, offer them a rain check insisting they only deserve the mintiest of mouths. Whether you cash in on it is your call.
SITUATION #2: You’re met under the mistletoe by a totally drunk person who gets a little too handsy.
The Solution: Do not make any sudden movements. Instead, angerly yell “What the hell?! You ripped a button off my shirt!” run away quickly and hide.
SITUATION #3: Kissing a stranger
The Solution: If the stranger is not visually appealing to you, insist on hugging it out (or give them a peck on the cheek if you must). If he/she is slammin’, give them a hard, passionate kiss on the lips, smile mischievously, and walk away like you just crushed it on a job interview.
SITUATION #4: You’re not at ALL interested in your fellow kisser, but he/she is interested in you.
The Solution: Whip a Hersey’s kiss out of your pocket and say “A kiss for my friend!” That should get the point across loud and clear.
SITUATION #5: The awkward boss run-in
The Solution: Well, if it were my boss, I’d just plant one on her, because who doesn’t love Amelia? [Let me just go put on some Chapstick... -- Editor] But for normal people, it’s best to just keep walking and pretend you never crossed paths. Even though Santa condones it, I’m pretty sure it’s still an HR violation. And if they can excuse this, they can excuse Christmas keg stands.
SITUATION #6: The same-sex mistletoe kiss
The Solution: For those who aren’t comfortable kissing the same sex, may we suggest creating a bitchin’ handshake instead?
SITUATION #7: Your kisser has Halitosis.
The Solution: Well, that’s unfortunate, isn’t it. Insist on taking a shot of Rumple Minze with him/her to make your kiss more festive, and get it over with before the peppermint sting disappears.
SITUATION #8: You’re met by your ex under the mistletoe.
The Solution: Play it cool. Grab his or her hand and kiss the top of it with a smile. Say “Merry Christmas” and go.
SITUATION #9: You walk under the mistletoe at the same time as someone else, but you hate it when people touch you.
The Solution: Pretend you’re a mime behind a glass wall, and hand-feel your way out of that bitch.