It recently came to our attention that for the low, low price of $69.99, you can make a 3D-printed customized “Star Trek” action figure of yourself. Let us just say that again: you can turn yourself into a shockingly detailed, miniature member of Starfleet. LIFE DREAM STATUS ALERT. Obviously we have already spent multiple hours discussing our preferred ranks, poses, uniform options, the inherent risks involved with being a member of Command, and how unflattering the Starfleet jumpsuits are, even on our plastic doppelgangers. In the process, we realized that these action figures would make the perfect Christmas gift, and not just for Trekkies like us, but for every single person on our (and your!) holiday gift lists. Here’s why:
1. An action figure makes you feel powerful and important. Getting your own action figure is pretty much the American Dream. You don’t get to become an action figure without doing something really awesome and brave. Turning someone into an action figure says, “To me, you are at least or possible even more badass than GI Joe.” Trekkie or not, who wouldn’t want that?
2. It will inspire you to explore strange new worlds and boldly go where you haven’t gone before. Have you ever bought a piece of clothing that made you feel like you could conquer the world? Maybe it was a leather pencil skirt that made you feel sassy and brave and sexy whenever you put it on, or a leopard print coat that made you feel flirty and bold. A personalized “Star Trek” action figure has the same effect: seeing yourself decked out in a sharp Starfleet uniform, brandishing a phaser, you’re bound to start seeing yourself a bit differently, and acting accordingly.
3. You can make your action figure hump stuff. Rubbing Barbie and Ken’s plastic anatomically incorrect bodies against each other was fun and all, but making your own action figure hump stuff is far more personal. Amelia has a Wesley Crusher action figure somewhere is storage, which means her dream of stiffly rubbing against Wil Wheaton is totes coming true this Christmas. Likewise, your loved ones can use their “Star Trek” action figures to make their humping fantasies come true. A Edward Cullen doll? Sure. Ryan Gosling’s GQ cover? Obvs. A real life crush’s leg? Why not.
4. You can use your action figure to work through personal issues. ”Star Trek” action figures are so versatile, you guys. They can be used for so much more than acting out negotiations with angry Gorn leaders in the cardboard USS Enterprise you have in your closet. You can also take your action figure to therapy and use it to work through your daddy issues. You can use it to role play tough conversations you’re not ready to have in real life yet (“Captain Amelia McDonell-Parry does not like the way you’ve been avoiding her phone calls. It really hurts her feelings.”). You can say daily affirmations to your action figure (“This is going to be a good day, Lieutenant Commander Dimeo-Ediger”) to train yourself to use more positive self-talk. The potential mental health benefits here are truly endless.
5. Your action figure can be used as an intimidating paper weight. A glass cube is fine, but a miniature replica of yourself aiming a phaser at anyone who approaches your desk? WAY BETTER.
6. Your action figure can travel even when you can’t. You know the Travelocity gnome? The little guy who roams all over the glove and is photographed in fascinating and exotic locales? Your action figure can be just as well-traveled! Whenever trusted friends and family members are going out of town and you can’t tag along, send your action figure on the road with them, to be Instagrammed and tagged with your name. (Counselor DeVore is definitely not going to his permanent home in Los Angeles until he’s gone to see Patrick Stewart on Broadway.)
7. You can subtly communicate reverence or disapproval through the rank you choose. Want to show your boss how much you appreciate her calm leadership during a turbulent time at work? Make her a captain! Have a friend in need of a self-esteem boost? Make them a Commander! Feeling passive aggressive about the way your brother has taken on a “know it all” attitude lately? Make him an Ensign. Boom! Sick burn.