10 Assorted Observations From An Elderly Man Watching “Home Alone” For The First Time

This weekend I achieved a lifelong dream of seeing a special holiday screening of “Home Alone” on the big screen at a local movie theater. I’m sure I saw it at the theater when it first came out, but I can’t remember (I was 5 at the time), so I jumped at the chance to get the full “Home Alone” movie theater experience as an adult. In fact, when Nick and I saw the poster up outside the theater a few weeks ago, we literally ran in to the box office and breathlessly begged the guy at the counter to dig us up two tickets to the surely sold-out show. He laughed and said we were the first ones to even ask about it. Needless to say, on Saturday we had the best seats in the house.

The movie was as great as it always is, but the movie theater setting came with an unexpected perk: I sat next to a very chatty old man who had apparently never seen “Home Alone” before. He narrated pretty much the entire movie as I struggled to stifle my laughter. Here are some of his quotes that were just too good not to share:

1. When Kevin gets mad that there’s no more cheese pizza: “Why doesn’t he just pick off the pepperonis?” 

2. When the family leaves for the airport without Kevin: “Oh no they’re leaving the kid at home alone!”

3. When Kevin’s mom says, “I feel like I’m forgetting something”: “It’s the kid! You forgot the kid in the attic!”

4. When Kevin imagines the furnace coming to life and growling at him: “There’s something wrong with that furnace.”

5. When Kevin discovers Buzz’s stash of Playboys: “He shouldn’t be looking at those.”

6. When Kevin eats a giant ice cream sundae: “Well that’s just a stomach ache waiting to happen.”

7. When Harry reaches out to touch the doorknob Kevin rigged with a BBQ lighter: “Don’t touch that door knob! It’s hot!”

8. When Kevin rolls out his plan to turn his house into a booby-trapped burglar torture chamber: “Why doesn’t he just call the police? This is all very unnecessary.”

9. When Kevin’s mom meets up with John Candy’s polka band: “Ooh I love polka.” 

10. Every 5 minutes for the last half of the movie: “This child is very violent.”