To All Interested Applicants:
Please review the detailed job description before applying. Given that I am too busy with my career, extracurricular activities (like playing Candy Crush and occasionally going to SoulCycle) and an active social life (hanging out with my dog Lucca and tweeting at celebrities) to devote the time required to have a shot at successful online dating, I definitely don’t have the energy to sift through online dating assistant applicants who are not qualified for the job. Please do not apply unless you are willing and able to perform all of the job duties.
HIRING: ONLINE DATING ASSISTANT*
- To find, contact and set up dates with single men who won’t make my vagina shrivel or declare that love is dead.
- To get me laid by someone who knows what they’re doing.
Note: There will be an additional year-end bonus if one of these dating setups eventually ends up putting a baby in me.
1. Re-Write My Profile: The assistant will be tasked with rewriting my online dating profile, as my current one is only attracting perverts, baldies and grammatically challenged weirdos. The profile should capture my sense of humor, but keep the self-deprecation to a minimum because negging myself is apparently a turn-off, and reveal just enough of my impeccable taste, style and intelligence to intrigue potential matches. As the assistant needs to write my profile in a voice that is at least 98.4 percent similar to my own, it would behove interested applicants to research my writing style and life history. The Frisky is a good place to start. I’m not suggesting you include information about my long labia, obsession with Ryan Gosling or mental health history, but those facts should inform your general understanding of what makes me a special snowflake.
2. Review And Rate Matches: On a weekly basis, the assistant will sort through at least 10 pages of matches in a 50 mile radius, excluding gentlemen who live off of the G train, as that shit is always messed up. The assistant will weed out the “Absolutely Nots” — a full list of dealbreakers, including Republicans, bald men (sorry, just not for me), Ayn Rand-ians, the grammar-deficient and dog-haters, will be provided — and sort the remainder into two piles, “Not Too Terrible” and “Probably Won’t Reply, But What The Hell.” The assistant will file away the “Not Too Terrible” list for a later, more desperate date TBD.
Once presented with the “Probably Won’t Reply, But What The Hell” list, I’ll sort the options in four categories with associated tasks:
- “Absolutely Not,” for those fools who should have never been suggested to me in the first place.
- “Give Him 5 Stars,” which will alert the match to my interest but leave the ball in his court.
- “Add To Favorites,” which will do the same as “5 Stars” but allow the assistant to more easily monitor his activity and changes to his profile
- “Message Immediately.” Proceed to #3.
3. Message Matches: The assistant will pen a first draft of a short, witty and slightly flirty message that references at least one but no more than three (we don’t want to seem psycho now do we?) specific details from the match’s profile. After I review the message and make edits, the assistant will send the message. Should the gentleman reply, the assistant will engage in at least two but no more than five back and forth replies, enough to suss out whether he’s a murderer without devolving into pen pals. If a date has not been suggested by the match by his third reply, but the conversation has been interesting enough to warrant further interaction, the assistant may hint at going on a date. If the match does not bite, the assistant should block him and move on. We — by that I mean the assistant and I — don’t have time for that ish. (I review the protocol for setting up dates a little further down in #5, but please do not jump ahead.)
4. Sort Through Additional Incoming Messages And Rate The Senders: The assistant will also be tasked with sorting through incoming messages from interested matches who have reached out either entirely on their own or because they were prompted by my “5 Stars” and/or “Favorites” label. The latter group should be approached in the same manner as replies received from matches who the assistant messaged immediately. As for men who reach out on their own — the assistant should return to #2 and sort them accordingly and so on and so forth. If this sounds at all confusing to you, I suggest you make a flowchart. I would provide one for you, but hello, I don’t (yet) have an assistant. The good news is that sorting through these messages should be pretty quick, as I expect my shiny, new, perfect profile will yes, hopefully attract more winners, but lots more “Absolutely Nots” as well. As time goes on, “Absolutely Nots” will become easier and quicker to identify, as I am very picky and you’re observant, aren’t you?
5. Set Up Dates: Again, I am busy so I’m only available to go out on at most two dates per week, preferably weekday evenings for first dates. Wednesdays and Thursdays are better than Mondays (when “Vanderpump Rules” is on) or Tuesdays (when I have my 12 Step meetings), but naturally those “prior engagements” should never be shared. Absolutely all first dates should happen below 14th Street, NO EXCEPTIONS. A first date planned in Brooklyn or Queens will earn the assistant a warning (three strikes and you’re out). A date planned for Staten Island or Jersey City will result in termination.
The assistant will only be responsible for planning first dates. Any additional dates will either never occur or be planned between myself and the man in question.
6. Miscellaneous: On slow days, the assistant can opt to:
- Play Quick Match, rating matches with one to five stars. Four and five stars should be given with extreme caution, as doing so alerts the match and could prompt them to message, creating even more messages to sort through and reply to in step four.
- Make small tweaks to my profile, so that it reflects my current interests and ranks higher up on the list of active users.
- Take candid photographs that capture me looking pretty but not prettier than I actually am. These photos, once approved by me, can be added to my profile, though photos shouldn’t be added too frequently, as that appears both vain and desperate and I am NEITHER.
Job Requirements: Excellent grammar and organizational skills, patience and a steadfast but not obnoxiously schmaltzy belief in love. Prudish slut-shamers need not apply.
Compensation: Please include salary requirements on your application, though the satisfaction that comes from seeing your boss’s “just got laid” glow should be enough if you ask me.
* I am not actually hiring an online dating assistant. I wish I could though.