There are certain things that you miss when you don’t have cable for more than a decade of your life. Like, how the whole “On Demand” thing works. (WHUT? You can watch shows after they’ve aired?!) Until I started curling up with my boyfriend’s Time Warner Cable remote, I had no idea that all “murder porn” as they call it on “South Park” had migrated to its own channel. (Sorry if I’m like, 12 years late with this news, like I said, I didn’t have cable.Please forgive me.) Since I prefer not to use the words “murder” and “porn” in the same sentence, I can more accurately describe the ID lineup as all “true crime” stories ALL THE TIME. Or as the network more eloquently puts it: ” Investigation Discovery gives you insight into true stories that piece together puzzles of human nature.”
You’ve got everything from your “Datelines” and “20/20′s” to your fictionalized, real crime series. The acting is soooo bad, but often the story lines are more believable than TV crime shows (even when they’re ripped from the headlines) because they are REAL. If you’re not already indulging in this fine channel, here are some reasons why you should probably start right away. And let me warn you, you’ll probably get addicted like I did.
1. The scripts are amazing. While the acting might be God-awful, the journalism highly affected, you can always count on the written scripts to be KILLER. PUN INTENDED. It’s some of the best descriptive prose you’ll ever hear. One cold October night on a deserted road deep in the hush of the New Hampshire woods, a man drives over what he thinks must be a skinned deer, the unintentionally discarded remnants of a hunting trip. But he was in for the surprise of his life when he got out of his Ford Pickup and discovered the body of 14-year-old Susan Smith. CUE SCARY MUSIC.
2. The narrator, regardless of gender, always talks with the same inflection. There must be some school that teaches people how to read real crime scripts aloud with the same unnatural inflection EVERY TIME and I want to go to there.
3. It’s better than “Law & Order SUV” because it’s real. No matter how specific fictionalized details are, the real ones are always better. The German Shepard named Tina. The fringed, leather boots the victim was supposed to go shopping for that day with her father. The beef ravioli that may have been laced with rat poison, but only gave the husband diarrhea, so went unnoticed.
4. The reenactments are so bad that they’ll provide much needed comic relief. It’s normal to get freaked out while watching about an unsolved, brutal murder in the woods, but always, when you think you can’t take anymore and you’ll never be able to so much as pee alone ever again, there’s a “reenactment” scene that will have you rolling on the floor. There also must be a school that teaches people how to do really, really bad reenactment scenes for crime shows, so that they make scared people laugh really hard.
5. There’s crime for every taste. Do you prefer period piece murders or something more contemporary and outrageous? Well, there’s a show for you on ID. You can choose from series like “A Crime To Remember” tagline: “Styles may change, but murder lasts forever” and specials like “Wives With Knives,” which features “gripping stories of women who fight at close range”…with knives.
6. There’s a whole lot of sex. Maybe it’s not the crime you’re after, but the sex. No worries. Someone is pretty much ALWAYS having an affair.
7. It will make you feel better about your life. No matter how shitty of a person you are you are always smarter, kinder and more compassionate than the idiot who thought she would get away with killing her husband by putting rat poison in his pasta. Regardless of how many bad dates you’ve been on, you can take solace in the fact that you didn’t accidentally invite a serial killer up to your apartment.