I love a reality TV villain. Going all the way back to the first season of “Survivor,” when I rooted for Richard Hatch to win, my favorite reality TV stars have always been the conniving and backstabbing ones, who toss out razor-edged insults without fearing the consequences. Remember how much I loved Courtney Robertson during Ben Flajnik’s season of “The Bachelor”? I mean, if they have a touch of sociopath in them, all the better.
That’s why I am obsessed with Stassi Schroeder on “Vanderpump Rules,” the Bravo spinoff of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Stassi is a waitress at SUR, the restaurant owned by “RHOBH” cast member Lisa Vanderpump, and is frequently at odds with her friends/coworkers and her on/off boyfriend Jax. And when Stassi is at odds with someone, WATCH OUT. Stassi is known for her wildly over-the-top and often violent-sounding “threats”; in her on-camera interviews, she often goes off on long, fantastical tangents about what she’d like to do to certain people. They’re really quite clever, especially when they’re directed at her lying, cheating whipping boy, Jax. She’s basically the High Priestess Of Castration. Inspirational!
Now, I’m not suggesting you start threatening people left and right, over petty shit like Stassi does — but I do suggest you put some of these Stassi-isms in your back pocket, to pull out the next time someone does you wrong. For example…
THE SLIGHT: You plan a dinner party at your house, one of your friends brings a plus one without your knowledge. The plus one won’t stop talking to your boyfriend and just put her hand on his knee.
THE STASSI-ISM: “I literally want to come at you with daggers and chop your faces and hide them in the walls.”
THE SLIGHT: Your boyfriend won’t stop talking to the plus one and has not moved her hand off his knee.
THE STASSI-ISM: “It’s cut my boyfriend’s dick off time.”
THE SLIGHT: You’ve had a crap day and are minding your own business, walking home and maybe crying a little, when a random dude catcalls you. “Hey sexy, I’d really love to kiss those tears away.”
THE STASSI-ISM: “I’d really love to, like, drill a machine gun into your head.”
THE SLIGHT: After a late night at work, you arrive home, order takeout and settle in to watch the season finale of your favorite TV show, which aired a few hours before. Knowing you were going to miss it live, you were careful to avoid social media and the internet in general so you wouldn’t accidentally see spoilers. Ten minutes in, already on the edge of your seat, your phone suddenly dings with a new text message from a friend. “OMG can you believe they killed off so-and-so?! I so did not see that coming!” Show. Spoiled.
THE STASSI-ISM: ”I literally want to take every fork and knife and just graze over your body until you slowly bleed to death.”
THE SLIGHT: Your two BFFs totally went to see “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” without inviting you. You’re not going to hold a grudge about it or anything, because it’s not, like a big deal, but you want them to know that you didn’t appreciate being left out.
THE STASSI-ISM: “I normally would have ran at you with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, forty times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered, beheaded you and quartered your bodies and dragged you through the city by a disgusting truck.”
THE SLIGHT: You’ve been standing in line for the bathroom at a concert for nearly 10 minutes, simultaneously trying not to piss your pants and crossing your fingers that the band won’t come on stage while you’ll still waiting for the girl in the stall to finish shitting, when a random drunk girl egregiously cuts you in line.
THE STASSI-ISM: ”I will set a grenade in your asshole.”
THE SLIGHT: A coworker — who you once briefly dated — is covertly taking full credit for a project you equally collaborating on. When you confront him about it, he tries to turn it around on you. “Is this about what happened with us? I thought that would be water under the bridge by now.”
THE STASSI-ISM: ”Water under the bridge? Seriously? I want to take your head and stuff it in that water and drown you and let you float down underneath that bridge.”
THE SLIGHT: A telemarketer from the same company has called your five days in a row and always at the most inconvenient times. You’ve tried being polite, but this time “Vanderpump Rules” is on and YOU HAVE FUCKING HAD IT.
THE STASSI-ISM: ”I would rather poke my eyes out with steaming hot needles than talk to you right now.”
THE SLIGHT: Your neighbor’s insanely bratty 3rd grader presses all 13 buttons in the elevator on a day when you’re running late to work and have insane period cramps. Then he laughs and points at you. “You look like doo doo!”
THE STASSI-ISM: “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it.”