Anonymous Chick Spills About The Time She Choked Adam Levine During A Makeout Session

Oh, how I love a blabbermouth. Adam Levine was just awarded the coveted (not really) title of “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine, which means it’s the perfect time for some random chick to spill the beans about the time she made out with the falsetto-voiced singer when he was in between Victoria’s Secret models. Over at Popdust, “Kiss and Tell Girl” sets the scene; she’s at a Hollywood party, dancing like only a hammered white girl can:

The thing about the worm is that it requires violently propelling one’s body along the floor. It also involved propelling my dress above my waist and exposing my purple thong. I relay this not because I was embarrassed, but because this unintentional revelation of my buttocks played a pivotal role in the next five hours of my life. Adam could not help but take notice of my careening ass cheeks, and, after the perfunctory exchange of pleasantries, invited me into his boudoir.

I would not be surprised in the slightest if Adam actually calls his bedroom “the boudoir” because that’s how the Sexiest Man Alive should refer to where the magic happens. And what magic it is! Kiss And Tell Girl and Adam made out, him caressing her face “Notebook”-style, when his hand traveled to her hair, spawning a moment of panic familiar to many women in LA as “OMG he’s going to feel my hair extensions!”

What’s the protocol here? Have hair extensions been around long enough that there’s etiquette? Am I supposed to acknowledge it, or just keep frenching? Is it the equivalent of making out with a guy, and discovering he’s wearing a rug? How much of a turn off was it? Enough to throw in the towel and forfeit the game?

See, this is why I don’t even wear more than two bobbypins in my hair at one time. Luckily, Drew Barrymore wandered into the room in search of her purse and interrupted what could have been a tragic scene and the “row of hair extension metal teeth” that Adam had just encountered were forgotten. Back to frenching!

Adam flipped me over and the smooching resumed. It went on for hours. So long, in fact, I started to get bored. I know — bored while making out with People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Seems impossible.

I decided to abate the boredom with some creativity and reached my hand up and secured it around his neck.

“What are you doing,” he reeled back, startled.

“I’m um … I’m choking you.”

“Oh. Weird. I’ve never tried that before.”

I took this as a green light and tightened my grip. Adam leaned back in ecstasy, letting out a soft groan. Ah, we’d stumbled upon a new fetish.

“Harder,” he commanded. “Do it harder.”

Anonymous Purple Thong Chick choked out Adam for about 30 minutes before their little S&M lite sesh came to an end, with Purple Thong declining to bang and Adam trying to act like he didn’t want any puss because he’s sensitive like that. “Oh, no, we definitely should not have sex yet. I like to wait until I know a girl a bit better,” he told her, in what was clearly the early stages of his campaign for People’s Sexiest Douche Alive. Kiss And Tell Girl left the next morning, but without leaving her phone number. And who can blame her? Throttling Adam Levine on your first shot? What else is left?