Sadly, some of the rudest questions you’ll ever be asked in your life will be asked by the people who supposedly love you the most. It’s Thanksgiving, which means it’s time to hunker down and prepare to field ridiculous/annoying/ignorant questions from your relatives without losing your shit. Maybe your aunt doesn’t realize how rude it is to ask when you’re planning to get pregnant because your “time is running out” — or maybe she does. But either way, it’s best to have some zingers prepared to stun her into an embarrassed silence. From invasive relationship queries to backhanded insults about your chosen career, here are some approved responses to the most insulting questions you’re bound to be asked.
1. Are you dating anyone?
Yes! his name is Monty. He’s 8 inches tall and silicone.
2. So, how long have you been together?
For about as long as you’ve been dying your roots.
3. When are you getting married?
Well, I was going to wait until dessert to tell you, but we’ve decided to get married tonight, right here in your living room!
4. Are you planning to have kids?
I could have a baby for you nine months from tonight if you really want one.
5. Where is your SO?
He’s at couples therapy. I couldn’t make it this week.
6. Does ____ like kids?” (after seeing him play with or avoid kids at holiday.)
Oh yeah. He has 7 of them by 5 different women.
7. Any luck finding a job?
Nope, it must be hiding in the same place as your treadmill.
8. Are you still at THAT job?
Only during the day, but I moonlight as an adult entertainer.
9.What kind of job do you plan to get with that degree?
Let’s just say the military is very interested in recruiting me as a philosophy/graphic design specialist.
10. How’s that new exercise routine coming along?
Great! Want to see me bench press grandma?
11. How’s that book you’re writing coming along?
I was hoping that after dinner I could bust out my rough draft and have you give notes.
12. Why do you look so different?
Funny, I was wondering why you look exactly the same.
13. So what does your SO do? Is that lucrative?
Have you seen “Grosse Point Blank”? That’s all I’m legally allowed to say.
14. So is your SO’s family (Catholic/Jewish/insert your family’s religion) too?
No, they kind of do their own thing. Some people call it a cult. It involves small rodents and Kenneth Branagh’s mustache clippings.
15. I know that’s the job you WANT but what’s your fallback?
Well, I suppose if things really didn’t work out and I was totally out of options, I could always try [occupation of whoever's asking the question].
16. Have you lost/gained weight?
I’m not sure. Do you have a scale? We could all weigh in right now!
[Photo from Shutterstock]