Guys, we need to have a conversation about “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” specifically the show’s newest cast member, Carlton Gebbia. Carlton, who hails from the UK incase you couldn’t tell by her snooty accent, is a witch. Rather, she’s a practicing Wiccan, but she has an affinity for religious symbols and iconography in general, especially from an interior decorating perspective. Her gothic-style house is covered in crosses, pentagrams and other religious symbols — but don’t you dare think that’s any excuse to inquire about something as personal as her religious beliefs. After last night’s episode of “RHOBH,” which gave viewers a closer look at her home, her nanny (more on her in a sec) and her interactions with the other housewives, I am pretty much obsessed with Carlton and her potty mouth. She’s like Bellatrix Lestrange, but less threatening to child wizards. Anyway, allow me to review the reasons why Carlton is awesome, after the jump…
1. She named her children Destiny, Mysteri and Cross. Unusual, bold, dramatic names, to be sure, but if you show even the slightest hint that you think they’re weird, Carlton will cut you. “Don’t fuck with my children’s names,” she warned when a fellow housewife said she liked Destiny “even more” than Cross. Dude, that wasn’t even an insult and Carlton’s claws came out. Bring on the drama!
2. She respects all of God’s creatures. Including bees, so if one stings you while you’re in Carlton’s presence, you’d better tolerate it, because Carlton doesn’t tolerate bee murder.
3. But animals killing animals is just the circle of life to her. Oh the passion with which Carlton recounted the story of her cat killing a bird!
4. She’s a Wiccan who used to practice “dark.” By dark, I think she means dark arts, just like Bellatrix Lestrange. But now that she is a mother and she has children she only practices “light.” She’s been a Wiccan since she was seven, by the way, and witchcraft runs in the fam. Her grandmother and mother were both practicing.
5. She swears. A lot. And in front of the children! My dad used to swear in front of me and I turned out alright.
6. Even though she hates the word “cunt,” she doesn’t mind if you call her one. Well, if you call her a “good cunt,” as Brandi Glanville did anyway. I love this woman. She makes no sense!
7. She describes her nanny/BFF as “Tinkerbell on crack.” And she really is! Elizy is someone you would assume would be epically annoying, but I actually find her hilarious and endearing. Elizy is extremely hyper and chipper, but she’s also over-the-top sexual and likes to flirt with Carlton. Even moving furniture inspired Elizy to lower her voice an octave and saucily remark to Carlton, “You put your back into it…” I want these two to have their own show. Fuck Kyle Richards, for real.
8. She loves beautiful women. In particular, she likes beautiful women around her son, who is only two years old. Never too early to instill shallow expectations of feminine beauty in your male child, I always say!
9. She never smiles. Well, that’s an exaggeration. By my count, she has smiled twice in three episodes. The good news is she is capable of smiling because she doesn’t seem to have excessive Botox, unlike all the other Housewives.
10. She has zero fucks to give. Carlton is off her rocker and a total bitch, but she’s genuine about it. She seemingly doesn’t give a shit what the rest of the Housewives think of her — especially since she’s already decided that she basically can’t stand them. It’s like she joined the cast just to make the rest of them feel uncomfortable. And I love it.