How To Use Your Favorite ’90s Nostalgia … In Bed
Nostalgia for the ’90s is at an all-time high. Fashion designers and pop stars are constantly throwing back to this ridiculous decade, while it seems that every other post on our Facebook feed is of the “10 Reasons The 90’s Rocked” variety. Everyone’s wearing overalls and Doc Martens again. Boy bands are enjoying another resurgence. Thick brows are in. But somehow, these trends never seem to make it to the bedroom. We’re here to change that. Put on your favorite pair of full-coverage, faux velvet panties from Victoria’s Secret and whip out Madonna’s Sex book, because you’re about to experience a wave of ’90s nostalgia where it really matters: your sex life. From dirty Furby talk to S&M with slap bracelets, we’ve got some naughty ideas for how to revive your favorite decade…
Beepers. Maybe you have your old beeper in your most crusted-over junk drawer. Great! Clean her off, reactivate your service so your partner can page your vagina over and over. It’s just like one of those remote-controlled vibrators, only way slower.
Beanie Babies. Pretend your partner’s penis and testicles are actually a bean bag elephant named “Trumpet”; tug and pull on them gently to simulate an eBay bidding war.
Slap Bracelets and Woven Chokers. So, you’re into some sub/ dom stuff, but you don’t want to pay for all that expensive leather gear. No worries! You can repurpose your old slap bracelets and woven chokers to use as handcuffs and collars respectively.
Oregon Trail. Create a canopy over your bed with a white sheet and pretend you’re in a covered wagon. Try to have hot, quiet, pioneer sex without waking up the rest of the wagon train — but hurry, one of you is about to die of cholera!
Grunge. Post-2000 we’ve all gotten far too clean. Stop showering for few day and when you’re ripe an ready, seduce your partner wearing nothing but Doc Martins and open flannel shirts. Fuck to Pearl Jam’s Ten or Nirvana’s Nevermind …whichever one you liked better in 1991.
Dunkaroos. An entire day could be made by a package of Dunkaroos in a lunch box. Recreate your favorite snack with his package. Dip your partner’s penis into a vat of frosting and either lick it off or use it to spread frosting on some graham crackers while you watch “Beverly Hills, 90210.”
Heads Up Seven Up. Have your partner kneel beside the bed, close their eyes, and put their thumb up. Insert the thumb into your mouth, vagina, or ass, and have them guess which one.
Walk The Dinosaur. The lyrics to your favorite Was Not Was song clearly had a double meaning. Open the door (the man’s asshole), get on the floor (get lower than his bum), everybody walk the dinosaur (you flick his balls with your tongue while he jerks himself off) and boom boom acka lacka lacka boom!
Choose Your Own Adventure. The best thing about the Choose Your Own Adventure series was that you could read them at least ten times before you got bored of them. Let your partner choose their own sexual adventure by showing him two sex toys (say, anal beads and a cock ring) and letting him choose, and then two different sex positions, and so on and so forth, until he arrives at his own, personalized happy ending. Then he can do the same for you. This should keep things interesting for a lest ten sessions.
Scrunchies. Cover your partner’s penis in colorful scrunchies and remove one at time with your teeth, taking his dick further into your mouth as you go. Put all the scrunchies in your hair for an alluringly retro coif.
U Can’t Touch This. Here’s the challenge: try to get your partner off without actually touching them. You can use dirty talk, blow on them, command them to touch themselves, but U can’t, under any circumstances, touch them.
Furbies. When you’re going down on your lady, whisper bizarre, unsettling things into her vagina. Here’s an English/Furbish dictionary for some ideas for erotic gibberish.
Nintendo. Create a hot, two-player game by using your partner’s erection like a joystick, and don’t forget to blow on the cartridge (vagina) to make sure it’s ready to go.