For as long as I can remember, people have been asking me what it’s like to be a twin. Over the years, I’ve expected the questions to become less stupid and frequent, but unfortunately, the exact opposite has happened, leaving me fearful for humankind and hoping Darwinism comes into play sooner rather than later.
I get it, though. To people who were born solo, twins are fascinating—so fascinating that people lose the filter between their brains and their mouths and feel the need to ask the most ridiculous questions when they come in contact with a twin, or Heaven help us, a set of twins.
Take, for example, these nine questions I and my twin have been asked more times than we can count…
1. “Do you read each other’s minds?” No. How does sharing a womb make you psychic? Someone please explain that rationale. I will admit that my twin sister and I dominate every time we’re on the same team for Taboo, and we almost always know what the other is explaining, but that has more to do with sharing life experiences than sharing thoughts. Sorry.
2. “Do you guys make out and sleep naked together and stuff?” This is one of my favorites. Most commonly asked to sets of female twins, I’m going to debunk this rumor right now. Twins—even smokin’ hot ones— do not hook up in any way, shape, or form (unless they’re adult film stars or seriously disturbed). Those sweaty pillow fights in bras and panties only happen in pornos, and I will only crawl into bed with my sister if she is clothed. Thinking about making out with my twin makes me throw up a little (sorry, Mand). It’s still incest! In fact, it’s almost extra incest-y.
3. “Do you wear matching clothes?” Yes, yes we do — when we were four-years-old. I HAVE seen multiples out there who still dress alike, even as adults, and I find that incredibly strange. It’s cute when you’re little kids, but shit gets weird when you’re 10 and still wearing matching OshKosh B’Gosh overalls. Occasionally, my twin and I will show up to places unintentionally wearing the same outfit, but that’s as close as it gets.
4. “So, do you share the same friends?” Do you and your sibling have all the same friends? Not likely. While my sister and I do have a large group of friends who we’re both close with, we also have individual friends … because, you know, we’re different people.
5. “But you don’t look alike…” This is more of a statement masquerading as a question, but whatever it is, it’s stupid. There is such a thing as fraternal twins, and even some identical pairs don’t look alike. I have blonde hair, and my sister has brown. I have blue eyes, and she has green. I’m curvy and she’s pin-thin. Our older sisters, who are four years apart, look more like twins than we do. It happens.
6. “Who’s the hot twin?” Not only is this question offensive and awkward for the person you’re asking, but why does there have to be a hot twin? Can’t we be equally good-looking? Also, the person who answers “I am” is an asshole, and the person who says “they are,” is just … sad. It’s awkward, so don’t ask. My answer: “We’re both beautiful in our own ways.”
7. “Who’s smarter?” This is also inappropriate. Refer back to the hot twin question.
8. “Does it suck that you have to share a birthday?” Umm, WHAT? It’s the best. I get to share a birthday with my best friend, we get double the presents, double the cake and double the celebration. Besides, all of our mutual friends can come (wink, wink).
9. “Are you, like, super protective of each other?” Damn straight. Better recognize.