We have all been there. A casual happy hour turns into a dark, drunken blur where one can’t remember how many or what type of alcohol has been consumed. We all pay the price. But no one is more predictable than the Drunk Boyfriend. The men in our lives who behave so uniquely in our daily lives turn into the same man when wasted. The predictability of each stage of a boyfriend’s intoxication is almost comforting.
Stage 1: The functioning drunk who doesn’t realize how drunk he is. If you’re out together, he attempts to pick you up at the bar, all suave-like, like you’ve never met before. If you’re out separately, he booty texts you.
Stage 2: The non-functioning drunk who still refuses to admit he’s drunk. The order of the words coming out of his mouth don’t make sense, but you decipher his hand gestures to maintain communication.
Stage 3: The non-functioning drunk who finally recognizes his intoxication. After chugging the glass of water you’ve handed him, he agrees it’s time to head home — but suggests sexual activities when you get there. Yeah, right.
Stage 4: The drunk with the spins. He finds the first piece of furniture to sink into and refuses to move or change. You consider feeding him carbs, but he’s already snoring.
Stage 5: The blacked out, vomiting drunk. Awoken by a noise, you realize your boyfriend removed all clothes and found his way to the bathroom. His relatively good aim has saved you from a night of cleaning. You debate picking his now NAKED body off the cold tile floor but realize you are unable to lift him. You check vitals and cover him with blanket.
Stage 6: The still tipsy, cuddly drunk. You wake up as the sun is rising and discover your snoring, naked boyfriend in bed attempting to cuddle. You roll over and enjoy a few more hours of sleep.
Stage 7: The suddenly hungover drunk-no-longer. He questions why he has a headache but not why he’s naked. Upon hearing the story, he swears to never drink again. Administer aspirin and water to boyfriend. Suggest more sleep.
Stage 8: The recovered drunk. Give him Gatorade, eggs, bacon and a bagel. “I’m not even hungover,” he announces.
Stage 9: The ready to party again drunk. Everything has returned to normal. The smile has returned to your boyfriend’s face. That smile turns into suggestive looks as your boyfriend realizes your close proximity and his own nudity. You insist that he brush his teeth and shower first. He asks for a beer in the meantime.
Have you experienced these stages with a boyfriend, husband or significant other? Did we miss anything? Tell us in the comments!