eHarmony Admits They Suck, Offers Personal Matchmaking Service For $5K Instead

Hold on to your knickers, eHarmony subscribers. You’re gonna looooove this.

In a new attempt to help people find romance, the popular dating site will soon launch eH+, a service where a real human will be assigned to you as your personal matchmaker for the bargain price of $5,000.

So why did the site, which currently uses 29 “dimensions” of compatibility and a 400-question evaluation (what I, based on personal heinous experience, like to call the interrogation of death), decide to offer this service?

Because you didn’t actually expect their site to work, did you? Oh you did? Aww, that’s so cute.

According to Grant Langston, eHarmony’s Vice President for Customer Experience, their site is about as effective helping you find your perfect match as a game of drunk, naked Twister: you may land on the right spot, but more than likely you’ll just end up uncomfortable, with a penis in your face.

“It’s too hard for a computer to take two people and understand what they want from a physical standpoint in a way that really elicits chemistry between them,” Grant said. “We think it’s much more likely that a human being can do that sort of thing, and of course, that’s what the counselor’s going to be asking.”

But don’t worry, you guys. The matchmakers will be certified marriage counselors and psychologists, which works out well, because I frequently find myself longing for a good shrink session post-date.

Unfortunately, eH+ was developed only for clients who are making $250,000 a year, because, you know… that millionaire matchmaker market isn’t tapped into at allll.

The service will go live on December 1, which means all the rich folk can migrate over to eH+ just in time for Christmakwanzukkah. Happy Holidays and good luck, normal eHarmony subscribers. You’re gonna need it. [Quartz]